Even when we are surrounded by hundreds of connections, our ability to create deep connections is limited. Science explains why a few friends are enough
When we think of friendship, it’s common to imagine long lists of contacts on social media. But, when you do the honest math, almost everyone comes to the same conclusion: true friends fit on your fingers. According to science, this is not a problem. This is exactly how the human brain works.
The natural limit of our social mind
For more than three decades, an evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbarfrom University OxfordHe argues that we have a biological capacity to maintain social connections – and it is not infinite. This limit became known as the “Dunbar number”, and is estimated at about 150 stable social relationships. However, these connections operate in circles, each with a level of intimacy:
- 5 people: the deepest bonds, those that accompany our greatest joys and crises;
- 10 people: Friends whom we see frequently and with whom we maintain emotional closeness;
- 50 people: extended circle of acquaintances – those who will be invited to a special celebration;
- 100 to 150 people: lighter and more discreet relationships, but no intimacy.
Outside of these groups, Dunbar says many interactions end up being “one-way”: You remember the person, but they may not remember you as much.
The theory has been challenged and reconfirmed
In 2021, Swedish researchers said there was no specific number of possible human links. When Dunbar’s models were recalculated, they found significant differences, which they said would make any final value arbitrary. Dunbar responded immediately, classifying the conclusions as “completely absurd” and asserting that when observing real interactions, such as messages, calls and meetings, the same social classes continue to exist, even in the digital age.
Platforms like Facebook, Instagram and WhatsApp They have increased our contacts, but they have not increased the depth of our relationships. We may know thousands of people, but our brain architecture remains limited to meaningful connections with a small group. In practice, we continue to operate like our predecessors: few real connections, many peripheral connections.
The weight of loneliness and its real dangers
Even more dangerous than having few friends is not having good connections. In 2023, then-Surgeon General USA, Vivek MurthyHe warned that feeling lonely could increase the risk of premature death by 30%, which is the same effect as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Despite this, more than half of Americans report feeling lonely, and the situation is particularly worrisome among women. In Brazil, research follows the same trend: many superficial connections, few deep connections.
But after all, how many friends are enough? Studies at university Kansas It suggests that 3 to 6 close friendships are enough to maintain our emotional balance. However, creating deep connections takes time: the university itself estimates that about 200 hours of cohabitation are needed to build true intimacy.
What really matters
Every person finds balance in some kind of social circle. Some people prefer quiet dates with a couple of friends; Others feel more energetic in crowded meetings. There is no single formula. The main thing is to have someone who understands your silence, celebrates your victories and sticks around during the tough days. In a world that values followers, science reminds us: Happiness is measured by honest conversations, shared hours, and connections that stand the test of time.
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