On a recent Thursday night in downtown Washington, DC (USA), I took a deep breath and walked into a bar. I joined about twenty other women who were happily milling around chatting and ordering drinks, anticipating the more formal part of the evening.
I was there to make friends. When I moved here when I was 23, I met a lot of people who were in the same situation. Many of my fellow interns were new to the city and we were all ready for an adventure. Today, I still have close friends, but many of us have tough jobs and young children. Some moved on. It’s hard to even schedule a catch-up call.
I miss the easy friendships of my early twenties. Can I find this again?
The meeting was organized by RealRoots, one of many startups aiming to make us feel less lonely. Even before the pandemic, Americans were spending less time with friends. In 2023, the US Surgeon General warned that we are suffering from a loneliness epidemic, and that the health risks of isolation are similar to those of smoking.
The good news is that there’s now less stigma around admitting you want to make friends, especially after the pandemic, Dorothy Lee, CEO and co-founder of RealRoots, told me.
“We were all alone together for two years,” she said. Many of us are starting to rebuild our social lives at the same time.
I consulted experts on how to make new friends and reconnect with old ones. Here’s what I learned.
Be vulnerable
I went to the RealRoots event feeling a healthy dose of skepticism. I was told I would connect with a select group of women based on my answers to a personality test and an interview with an AI assistant named Lisa, who detected my energy (centered, interested, and warm — thanks Lisa).
“I totally understand,” she said to me when I told her about my doubts. “Human connection has to happen in real life.” But the planning and logistics of connecting like-minded people and finding times on their calendars? According to her, this could ideally be done by artificial intelligence.
The women I met included a former professional dancer, a nurse passionate about her work with dementia patients, and a social worker about to travel to Sudan.
They all had different reasons for being there. One of them works from home and feels isolated, especially after she became pregnant. Another wanted to get out of her comfort zone and meet new people. A third said she suffers from social anxiety and felt it relieved the pressure.
After we interacted, the moderators led us through a series of questions, which started out as corporate icebreakers (What are your hobbies?), but gradually became more personal (What are you good at?), culminating in the final question: What are you struggling with right now?
I searched my mind for something that wasn’t too revealing. After all, they were strangers. But then someone talked about her fertility problems. Another was going through a difficult divorce. Silently, I reevaluated the situation.
When it was my turn, I no longer felt the need to hold back. I talked about my fears as a mother. I felt like I was going to start crying when I explained my concerns about how my anxiety was affecting my daughter. I have received a lot of sympathy.
When I told Lee that I felt close to all the women at the end of the night, she told me that was the goal. “When you start talking about things that are really on your mind, everyone can relate to them,” she said.
Weakness begets weakness. This rule also applies when trying to deepen friendships.
After he married, had children, and moved to the suburbs, journalist Billy Baker realized that many of his high school and college friends could no longer be a part of his daily life. He decided to build a community where he lived, and the first step was to reach out to the people he felt connected to and let them know. The author of We Need to Hang Out: A Memoir of Making Friends, he said it was intentional and a little scary, but it was worth it.
Do the things you really want to do
When Becker was writing his book, he was trying to figure out what exactly attracts us to others. He has found that a joint interest or activity works well as a first step. For example, he often met a young man at the gym, so he started inviting him to meet there to exercise together.
If you choose something you really want to do, you’ll likely find people with common interests, and even if you don’t, you’ll still have a good time, Becker says.
Put friendship on your to-do list
Baker learned that she couldn’t assume friendships would just happen.
For him, this journey began when his editor asked him to write about how many men put aside their friendships in middle age. Although Baker had always been sociable, he realized that he was prioritizing his work and family, and neglecting time for friends.
The solution was for a group of men in his city to inspire a tradition called Wednesday Nights — a weekly promise to meet up.
Baker created his own version and said it was strange at first. But at some point real connections were formed. At the end of my talk, the writer asked me: Is there someone I would like to get close to?
I thought about a colleague I’ve had a casual friendship with for several years. I always loved meeting her in the hallways or at parties, but we were never alone together. Baker encouraged me to ask her out.
I felt a familiar, growing fear when calling her—what if she was too busy or didn’t feel the same friendly vibe as me? What if we meet and have nothing to talk about?
I invited my colleague for lunch. We talked for what seemed like 20 minutes for two hours. We connected through books, our kids, and the huge amount of things we have in common, and it really felt like the beginning of a friendship. I was rewarded for being vulnerable.
If you’re thinking about taking the first step, just do it. The odds are in your favor.