It doesn’t matter how long the friendship lasts. Researchers have found that this type of relationship is essential for health and learning. I met my best friend on my way to school. We lived in the same neighborhood, spent time together and became best friends. Romantic relationships have come and gone, or stayed in our lives, and now we live in different cities. But our deep friendship continues and will always continue, we are both sure of that.
Researchers at the University of Kansas calculated that people become best friends after spending about 730 hours together — about the same number of hours as there are in a month. According to research, it takes 80 to 100 hours of living together for an acquaintance to become a friend, and at least 200 hours for them to become a good friend.
We only have such close friendships, where we can tell each other everything, with a few people – at most three, according to psychologists. But friendships that are described as good or casual also contribute to our well-being.
With friends, we share common interests, a sense of humor, or similar habits. So it makes sense that we often find them in environments where we spend a lot of time and encounter each other repeatedly over a longer period.
In Germany, a survey revealed that more than two-thirds of teenagers and young adults said they met all or many of their good friends at school, during their vocational training, at university, or at work. Sports and other leisure activities, in addition to our circle of acquaintances, also provide opportunities to make friends.
Even physical proximity seems to have an effect. One study showed that students who sit close to each other in class are more likely to become friends than those who sit farther apart. However, whether our classmate actually becomes a good friend ultimately depends on how similar we are to them, according to the study.
How do we choose friendships?
“When I surround myself with people who are like me and reflect my values or attitudes, I feel good, like a little reward,” says Anna Schneider, a psychology professor at the University of Trier who researches the impact of digitalization on society.
“Similar people have the same wavelength on many topics, which makes conversations easier,” says psychologist Tobias Altmann, who researches the basic requirements for friendships at the University of Duisburg-Essen.
Similarity also appears to play a role at the genetic level. A study of nearly 2,000 participants showed that friends share approximately 1% of their genes, even if they are not related. This is somewhat similar to the similarity between fourth cousins. The study showed a high degree of similarity in genes related to smell.
Israeli researchers have found that interest in friendship, at least on a first date, is also determined by similarity in body odor.
Are online friendships “real” too?
In Germany, about 22% of young people from the LGBTQIA+ community reported that they had made good friends online. Among non-LGBTQIA+ participants, only 8% said the same. But is it possible to have “real” friendships online? Will she be as stable as that character?
Altman says that cultivating friendships only in the digital world, without real-life communication, shouldn’t work in the long run. That’s because friendship is not just a comfortable space. Friends help us deal better with the world and face problems.
By playing with friends, children learn basic social rules – for example, what happens when you hit someone. Friendships are especially important during adolescence for the development of personal identity. “We learn to tolerate and resolve social conflicts, we know ourselves better through contact with others and we find our place in society.”
Although some people are more open and bold in online friendships, without face-to-face contact it’s not possible to intuitively understand how the other person is feeling, Altman says. Misunderstandings can arise more quickly in chats. However, at the same time, according to the expert, there is less space to confront and resolve conflicts, as online friendships are much easier to replace than face-to-face friendships.
Why can’t chatbots replace friends?
The expert adds that “friendships” with chatbots are a big problem, as these AI models are programmed to constantly find out everything about us well. “It reinforces our quirks and flaws.” Schneider also confirms that people tend to be more open to chatbots because they are not afraid of being judged.
If we never receive different opinions in return, according to Altman, “we tend more quickly to be too extreme in our opinions, too inflexible in our ideas, and too demanding of those around us.” In the US, a “friendship” with a chatbot recently ended tragically.
However, Schneider says the differences between online and in-person friendships have narrowed considerably. This is also due to the diverse possibilities of digital communications. In a video call, you can see and hear the other person, which allows for better interpretation than in chat.
The basic requirements for developing friendships are the same in the digital and analog world: “Self-disclosure, voluntarily taking time to get along, genuine interest in the other person, and of course trust are crucial.” For example, caution is advised if someone continually refuses to communicate via video.
Why are friendships good for us?
In 2010, a meta-analysis evaluating 148 individual studies showed that people with many social connections live longer. According to the study, good friendships enhance our health as much as abstaining from smoking. According to research, they are more important for life expectancy than body weight or physical exercise.
A 2022 study showed that friendships can reduce the risk of depression. A long-term analysis of more than 10,000 participants in the UK revealed that those with lots of social contacts also had a lower risk of developing dementia. This association was stronger when there was contact with friends other than family.
Psychologist Anna Schneider says that humans, as highly social creatures, cannot avoid seeking social connection. In addition to basic needs such as food and sleep, every person in the world has three main social needs: to be socially connected, to be able to make one’s own decisions, and to have self-efficacy – that is, to be able to change something through one’s actions.
All of these needs can be met through friendships. Perhaps more than family itself, says Schneider: “Family is something that is given to us. But we actively choose friendships. And when we receive positive feedback, we realize that we are loved not just because I am a daughter or a mother or a brother, but because I am who I am.”
Friendship and cooperation ensure survival
Humans are not the only species that have friendships. Vampire bats – the only ones that feed on the blood of mammals – help each other by regurgitating blood, thus providing a means of subsistence when their friend cannot find that food.
Brown rats also maintain close friendships outside of their families. They help their friends find food or free animals captured from their own kind. Biologically, helping others outside your group is valuable because it ensures the survival of the species.
In fact, brown rats can smell who might be willing to help. Whether we humans unconsciously do the same thing with our friends is something future research will need to uncover.
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