“Get into the Christmas spirit.” The phrase was nailed to the tree in the park where I walk my dog. These requirements worry me somewhat. This sounds like orders disguised as an invitation. They seem to be forcing something and, in fact, they are.
I never really liked Christmas. I don’t know exactly when it started, but I always felt that there was a pressure for everyone to be happy, content, with family, in abundance, in health, in harmony, phew! “Don’t you like Christmas, Aunt Alice?” asked my niece as I took her to her holiday show. “No, and look, if you don’t like it either, that’s okay.” Tereza just looked at me gently.
December has to include so many closing parties – work, family, friends, this, that – that it doesn’t seem to fit into 31 days. It makes me very anxious and anxious, as if I have to accomplish in one month everything I haven’t done in eleven months. Suffocated by this pressure of joy, unity and harmony, I try to escape this atmosphere, as if I were going to a park. But this time it didn’t work very well.
Last week, on December 17, more precisely at three in the morning, I opened my eyes with the certainty that it was time to get up. But no. Sleep was gone. Maybe it would just be a quick trip to the bathroom and then he would go back to sleep. Nothing. I got back into bed and stared into the dark, my head racing: mental lists, appointments, unanswered messages, gifts not yet purchased, expectations. So much angst for something that should be light.
I got up. I made tea. I sat on the couch and observed the silence of the house, the street, the Christmas lights that didn’t go out. At that point, no one expects anything from you. There is no obligation for joy, conversation, emotional balance. Of course, maybe that’s what always bothered me about Christmas: the pressure. At that point, I just needed to sleep, but my body didn’t want it. And that’s okay. I tried to find a way to comfort myself in my insomnia. Respect my boundaries and my wishes.
In the chaotic climate of December, there is no room for tranquility. On active duty it was easier. Getting through all the parties, meetings, secret friends, lines, traffic, hysteria was a breeze. I was anesthetized. I didn’t even notice. Today, on the contrary, I really feel that I must always belong, participate, smile, be grateful, celebrate… If I am not in that Christmas spirit, I am wrong or I am broken.
As the day began to brighten, I decided to go for a walk with my dog. Sleep would not return. We left. The tree in the park was there, with the same sentence looking back at me. So I started creating my own Christmas spirit and immediately imagined how different it could be. “My mind” only asks me to respect its own rhythm. Do less. Slow down and calmly prepare for the end of another cycle. Christmas and later, New Year.
Remember to always be with those who offer partnership and not billing. Nothing needs to be grandiose. Just listen to my own heart and appreciate everything I have around me and don’t rush to achieve what is not important. And yes, being present for those who have always been with me. Merry Christmas!
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