You sent SMS to your grandchildren recently? If not, it’s time to form a new habit and approach them where they probably already are: in the SMS.
The holidays are a time when many grandparents who live away from their grandchildren have valuable time to spend with them. This is a great opportunity to experience the new version, but for many families, maintaining these connections throughout the rest of the year can be difficult, especially when distance is an issue or as children grow up and form more relationships outside of the family.
Texting can be an easy way to bridge gaps and maintain a connection when they’re old enough, family and children experts say. Here’s our advice after talking with teens and tweens about what they like and the quirks of texting that make them think you don’t care.
Start with in-person or video connections
Spend time getting to know your grandchildren before you move on to technology, especially when they are young. If you cannot attend in person, use video chats where they can see your face and expression. Find out what they like, their personality quirks and their obsessions, even if you know they will change quickly.
“The key is knowing who your grandchild is, loving them madly and being willing to listen to them,” says pediatrician Ken Ginsburg, founder of the Center for Parent-Teen Communication at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia, USA. “Once you establish that foundation, you don’t have to be face to face. The younger generation communicates with their fingers. And when we are able to speak that language, we understand a lot more than we think.”
Follow basic rules and respect boundaries
If a child does not have access to text messaging, limit scheduled phone and video calls as well as in-person contact until they have access. Parents are responsible for determining when different technologies are allowed, so don’t try to get around this rule by giving iPad or other devices without explicit permission.
Once grandchildren have access to their own device, like a tablet, ask parents if they’re okay with texting and what apps they use. For example, the Messenger Kids by Meta This is a popular option with young children and allows for easy monitoring. Ask parents if they have any rules they’d like you to follow, like what topics to avoid or times of day they don’t want them to receive messages.
Understand your important role as a grandparent
Knowing what your grandchildren expect from you and how your presence can shape them will influence the way you communicate. In addition to love and security, parents are responsible for discipline or ensuring that children do well in school. A grandparent can have a different bond, with fewer of these pressures.
“You want kids to have barrier-free relationships. Judgment, anger and disappointment are barriers to commitment,” says Ginsburg, author of “Lighthouse Parenting: Raising Your Child With Loving Guidance for a Lifelong Bond.” “A beautiful role that grandparents can play is just to go with the flow, to reach out, but to stay present, because young people are reaching out to you when they need you most.”
Make sure you don’t lose touch as the grandchildren grow up. Even though teenagers are busier, your presence in their lives is just as important. Teenagers are hardwired to withdraw from their parents, Ginsburg says, but not from their grandparents. They need adults around them who are involved in their lives and can keep them safe.
Do more than ask about their day
The usual small talk can fade quickly, especially if you only ask about generic things. Instead, try letting your grandchildren lead the conversation and ask questions about things you know they like. If you’re starting from scratch, let them tell you or ask their parents.
One tip is to avoid questions that can be answered yes or no, says Liz Morrison, a clinical social worker whose practice focuses primarily on children, adolescents and young adults. Instead, try asking more open-ended questions about the things they like, which will leave room for more in-depth answers. Try to have information up your sleeve that you can mention, like an introduction or their friend group.
You can also look for common interests that you can talk about over time, like a current TV show. Some grandparents even choose certain online games to become closer, whether Word, Minecraft or silly games built into the messaging apps themselves.
When your grandchildren open up to you, focus on genuine listening and empathy, says Emily Weinstein, co-founder of the Center for Digital Thriving at the Harvard Graduate School of Education. Try not to give advice unless they ask for it, don’t judge or scold them. Instead, thank them for sharing and ask follow-up questions.
Try a group chat
Depending on age, one-on-one discussions can be a little awkward or forced. If you want less pressure on both of you, create a group chat. Some families hold group chats with all core members where they share news, photos, and plans. You could try one for several grandchildren or grandparents, or just include their parents. This takes some of the pressure off the child to react a certain way and allows them to come and go without fear of being rude. There’s no rule on how many group chats you can have at once, and that doesn’t rule out direct messaging when you feel like it.
Don’t be afraid of technology or slang
You don’t need to start sharing memes – the kids we spoke to said it would be embarrassing – or use their slang to communicate. Instead, focus on the more universal emotions and experiences behind them.
“The feelings and motivations (wanting to belong, expressing yourself, feeling included, or just having fun) are often very familiar,” says Weinstein.
Letting them educate you on the latest trends is an easy conversation starter. This allows them to lead the conversation and feel like they have something valuable to contribute. So go ahead and ask about the latest meme that went viral on social media. Ask them if they have any pet peeves with technology. One teen told us that he doesn’t like it when adults respond to a text message with just an emoji because it makes them feel like they don’t care and want to end the conversation.
Remember that young people who text are still learning conversational skills and may have habits that you find off-putting or irritating. For example, they may “spam” you by sending the same message several times in a row. Or they can be retro and paste the textual equivalent of a string. By responding more to authentic messages, you’ll help them understand what works in a conversation.
Share more than words
Texting is more than just texting. This can also mean sending links to posts on social networks (make sure you know which sites they are allowed to access first). They may enjoy sending or receiving voice notes, which allows for more spontaneous conversations but without the coordinated timing of a phone call. Exchanging videos and photos from your own life is also a great way to start a conversation or just say “hello.” If you really want to be best friends, you can send money over some texting apps.
Forget family drama
Do you have a complicated relationship with your own adult children? Don’t put a child or teen in the middle of the problems you’re experiencing, experts say. They are not a place to pass messages, get information, or be seen as an extension of parents. Make sure you have your own separate relationship and make it a safe space for them.
“Our job as adults is to co-regulate with the adolescents and children in our lives, which means we are calm, stable forces. So when we get angry or offended and communicate our disappointment, that doesn’t attract children to us,” Ginsburg explains. “So be lenient, be flexible, and stay present and available on their timeline, even if it doesn’t match yours.”
This content was translated using artificial intelligence tools and reviewed by our editorial team. To learn more, see our AI policy.
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