The holiday season arrived and as I was getting ready to welcome my family, our only shower started leaking in the basement.
I live in an old house that is either “charming” or “a bunch of botched renovations by the previous owners”, depending on whether you work in real estate.
While looking for a reservation for a dinner party for 18 people, including several babies, I received messages from a handyman investigating our disastrous plumbing: “We need to raise the floor” and “This is crazy.”
My dog barks like there’s a home invasion every time someone comes near our house, which only adds to the soundtrack of drilling and Sesame Street.
My usually well-controlled anxiety began to flare up.
I invited my family to show them a good time. But most importantly, I felt like I was going to show why it’s a bad idea to buy a really old house.
These particular circumstances may be unique to me, but holiday stress is not. While it’s beautiful to get together with our families and friends, we can’t help but worry about how everything will work out and how everyone will get along.
“Our resources don’t change, but the demands on us do,” Neda Gould said of this time of year. She is director of the Mindfulness Program at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine and has written about how to manage this imbalance, which “creates a lot of stress for people.”
I consulted mental health professionals for advice on how to navigate this season gracefully.
Find the humor
What if, instead of being chaotic and anxiety-inducing, my messy house was actually just funny?
“I like humor because it’s my favorite way to make you stop and help you reframe things,” says Kojo Sarfo, psychiatric nurse and comedian. When I described the current situation in my house to Sarfo, he immediately had fun at my expense.
“The fact that you’ve had 11 and a half months to prepare and you’re still not ready, I find it hilarious,” he said. Sarfo encouraged me to take advantage of the absurdity of the situation. “It’s hard to laugh and worry at the same time.”
Even for people with perfectly functioning bathrooms and clean homes, Christmas can bring family baggage to the table. Sarfo said many of his patients fear certain topics at family gatherings, including politics. But he said if you want it, a little humor can often diffuse tensions.
“People believe what they believe and they’re not going to change their minds. So if you can find a fun way to acknowledge the elephant in the room, I think that’s a great way to put people at ease and let them know it’s OK,” he said. “I believe this, and you believe that, but we always have fun.”
That said, you know your own family. Humor doesn’t need to be said out loud. If you’re experiencing a stressful moment, you can recognize the absurdity of it, laugh it off in your own head, and move on (or talk to your spouse or cousin about it later).
Crop
Sarfo knows we’ve all heard that we should make a gratitude list. But he insists that practicing gratitude really is a powerful tool for reframing our thinking. If you don’t love your to-do list, he recommends physically writing a list of what you’re grateful for, big and small.
“When you can find immense joy in these little things, it’s a powerful way to reframe your thoughts,” says Sarfo.
I try this exercise and feel better almost immediately, not to mention a little embarrassed for feeling so stressed. I’m grateful to my little girl, who makes me laugh by repeating everything I say (she also started scolding the dog for barking). I am grateful to the dog, who wags his tail and tries to lick my face every morning, no matter how many times he is scolded. I am grateful to have a warm, safe place to live, a family to be with, and food to eat.
Gould echoed this advice, saying it doesn’t take long to change the way you think: A few minutes before bed or early in the morning listing what you’re grateful for can reduce your stress and undo the brain’s tendency to focus on the negative. And feeling grateful doesn’t change everything you have to do.
“I think we can maintain both of those things at the same time,” Gould added. “We can be grateful and see that we have much to do.”
If you focus on gratitude, you may find that you can have a little more flexibility about what hasn’t been done and focus on what really matters to you rather than what you think you “should” be doing.
Sleep eight hours. Serious
Between traveling, cooking or getting ready for the party, shopping for Black Friday sales, and spending time with family and friends, it’s easy to skimp on sleep during the holidays. But Sarfo said that’s the last thing to skimp on.
“Getting enough sleep will put you in the best mental state,” Sarfo said. That way, when the political debate at the dinner table gets heated or that uncle makes an embarrassing comment, you’ll be able to handle the situation and stay calm.
You might even see more humor. There’s a reason why so many comedies take place around holidays and large family gatherings.
“If you get eight hours of sleep, there’s nothing you can’t do,” Sarfo said.
Gould said many people put their healthy habits on hold during the holidays. The reasons are obvious: we are busy. But she encourages people to try to maintain the practices that help them feel good throughout the year, even if they need to be modified. Even if you can’t make it to your usual yoga class or don’t have time to run, maybe you can find 20 minutes to stretch and breathe. Or a brisk walk alone or with a like-minded family member.
“I think it’s really helpful to remember the tools that help us manage our stress. And often, when we need those tools the most, we use them the least,” says Gould.
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