A child alone on Christmas Eve. While everyone is celebrating, she stays in an empty house. It is this traumatic experience that shapes Ebenezer Scrooge, the protagonist of Charles Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol,” turning him into a bitter man who comes to hate the holiday. Decades later, the same angst resurfaces in the main plot of “Home Alone,” a Christmas franchise in which boy Kevin is left behind by his family not once, but twice.
The plots can illustrate an unconscious fear: spending the date associated with family traditions, unity, forgiveness and love completely alone. Psychoanalyst Carol Romano, author of the book “Why Relationships Matter (So Much)?”, published by Amatelys, says that people are actually lonelier. She cites a global work engagement survey that found 20% of participants reported feeling lonely. The number of single-person households has doubled since the 1960s.
On the other hand, the approach of the end-of-year holidays can generate a perception of loneliness, different from being alone. Loneliness is an emotional state that involves disconnection, explains psychiatrist Rodrigo Bressan, professor at Unifep (Federal University of São Paulo). According to the doctor, this time of year is conducive to this perception, because there is social pressure for happiness, celebration and gratitude.
“Many people are faced with difficult issues, such as distance and conflicts with their family, managing psychiatric disorders or the loss of a family member,” explains Bressan. Social pressure can end up generating a feeling of incapacity and guilt in the face of suffering.
Social media can further reinforce this feeling, says the psychiatrist, because most posts are about happy and beautiful moments, which makes it seem like everyone is happy except the person on the other side of the screen.
For Romano, this performance taking place on social networks is equivalent to social gatherings. “You meet people you haven’t talked to all year, who you don’t have a real connection with,” he says. “So the requirement to be happy, talk about your accomplishments and act like everything is perfect. People can feel like they’re performing well.”
Bressan emphasizes that the feeling of loneliness, even if it is not depression in itself, can be associated with it and must therefore be taken into account. This can be a common and fleeting thing this time of year, but if it persists and adds to anxiety, angst and loss of motivation that lasts for weeks or months, he recommends seeking professional help.
Reframing loneliness
People can be physically alone, but give new meaning to festive times. Eight years ago, early childhood teacher and singer Jacqueline de Lima Carvalho, 43, found herself alone in São Paulo while her family spent the end of the year in Recife. “I wasn’t going to be able to go back and party with them, so I had the idea of meeting colleagues at home who were far away or had family problems.”
This practice, called “Christmas for the Wanderers,” meaning those separated from a group, has become popular among people who are unable or unwilling to gather with family members for dinner. Jacqueline says there are people in the group who have been meeting since the beginning, but every year new friends appear or people recommended by friends.
“In recent years, many people have faced family conflicts because of politics,” he says. “People who don’t know each other start to form new friendships.” On the 24th, the party is dancing, musical, aperitif and collaborative table: everyone takes a dish, as well as a gift for the Secret Santa draw. The group meets on the 25th, for the “Peru Hangover”, to eat leftovers from the previous night.
Gathering close friends can be a solution for those who are going to spend the holidays alone, for whatever reason, and who don’t want to feel alone. For those who go to work, one option is to create rituals with coworkers, like making secret friends or sharing meals, Romano says.
Just as focused work does not cause loneliness at this time, the psychoanalyst recommends that those who are alone do voluntary and humanitarian work.
“In the sciences that study well-being and happiness, one of the practices of positive emotions is to put oneself in the service of others in voluntary or humanitarian work. I even find that this is healing for many people who have this more solitary core,” he says.
Now, for those whose problem is feeling lonely even around other people, she also gives some advice, like trying to reconnect with more distant family members at other times before the holidays, in smaller, more intimate gatherings, and creating rituals to deepen the conversation, like a conversation circle to talk about intentions for the year.
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