There is no doubt that Christmas is a time marked by the brilliance of decorations, lights, Christmas carols, celebrations, toasts, laughter, meetings, hugs… However, as the festive spirit ignites in all its splendor, many people … they feel that their mind is boring to be the first Christmas without that loved one who is no longer with them due to their passing. This is called “empty chair syndrome”.
Families are faced with a first dilemma: to celebrate or not to celebrate these holidays. According to José Carlos Bermejo, Director General of the Center for Humanization of Health, it is better to move forward. “This is not in contradiction with sadness, nostalgia, pain, suffering. Furthermore, a true celebration must integrate the reality in which we live, and not deny or hide it. Not partying is give all power to absencelet yourself be kidnapped by her. “Some believe that by avoiding celebrations, they are honoring the memory of their loved one and respecting their own situation of lack of motivation.”
“Some think that by avoiding celebrations, they are honoring the memory of their loved one and respecting their own situation of lack of motivation”
Psychiatrist Javier Quintero recognizes that this syndrome is not always easy to digest. To manage this absence without it hurting too much at Christmas, he recommends, first of all, not forcing yourself to be well. “There is no correct way to experience these dates where someone is missing: you can feel sadness, anger, the desire to be alone… It’s normal. It’s not about fighting these emotions; Accepting how you feel helps relieve the pressure.
An important point for Quintero is to remember who is missing. “The pain increases when you try to avoid it. So, lighting a candle, posting a photo or making a toast does not aggravate the wound: it helps to give space to that person. This is also what the general director of the Center for Humanization of Health advises, recognizing that Rituals are resources that humanize. “They generate community, strengthen bonds, honor memory, even what is hard and makes us suffer. It is possible to celebrate with nostalgia, with an explicit memory, with words dedicated to the memory of the deceased, with specific evocations of the customs or particularities of the absent.
Family plays an essential role during these times. “Grief crosses all generations, including children and the elderly,” he emphasizes. Marta Gutiérrezexpert grief psychologist from the Mutuam Psychosocial Assistance Team (EAPS) of the “la Caixa” Foundation’s comprehensive care program for people with advanced illnesses. In the case of the smallest We must let them live and act like minors, even though their apparent emotional roller coaster may confuse adults. They can be very sad and in two minutes so happy. It is important to respect this oscillation because it is a tool that they have at their disposal. Also advise don’t exclude them from decisions on how these dates will be experienced.
“Love doesn’t stop when someone leaves, it only changes the way they are present”
Concerning the elderlyMarta Gutiérrez considers that the priority is not to decide for them, “it is better to ask them how they want to spend the holidays, leaving aside the social imposition of being together at Christmas. When they are going through a bad period, there are times when they will need to be alone and that is important understand and respect itbut letting them know we are available in case they change their mind.
According to Bermejo, it is not uncommon for there to be different criteria on how to go about celebrating these dates. “The important thing is that those who are in poor health are not accepted, as denial of reality, the need to give explicit space to those who are not there. Verbs help: remember, thank, tell, evoke… We must let everyone express their feelings.
It also emphasizes that the Christmas experience remains etched in the memory of children who, in the future, will reproduce the norms learned. “It is therefore a first-rate educational opportunity. I don’t forget that my father prayed for the dead while blessing the Christmas Eve table and his tears flowed. He gave us all bread to kiss, as a symbol of inclusion and brotherhood, of gratitude and communion. “We need to find the appropriate expressions for every legitimate quirk of different groups and families.”
Finally, Quintero emphasizes that it is very important to take care of yourself. Look for what calms us: take a walk, write down what we feel, spend time with those who make us feel good… “The pain doesn’t go away, but it becomes more bearable when we live it with melancholy and without demands. Love – he warns – does not stop when someone leavesit only changes the way it is present. We don’t need to force ourselves to smile all the time. Try to give us permission to remember, to feel and to rest.
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