Rafael de Julia: “Anorexia is the hardest bull in my life” | Culture

On March 23, 2025, Rafael de Julia miraculously emerged alive from the inaugural bullfight of the season in the Las Ventas bullring in Madrid after killing, we don’t know how, the two bulls that had fallen to him. It’s not a metaphor. The anorexia that was diagnosed days later, when he finally agreed to get help, put him on the brink of death, doctors told him. Nearly nine months have passed, but some processes take more time than pregnancy and De Julia is still on the road to recovery. Travel to Loeches, the small Madrid town where he lives, near the densely populated Torrejón de Ardoz, where he grew up and where, at the age of 6, he stood in front of a calf for the first time. We spoke in a café, deserted at that hour, where he was known and treated with quiet deference and respect. The joyous Christmas atmosphere outside contrasts with the deep sadness in his eyes.

How do you remember this bullfight?

He was in a state of brutal desolation. Terrified. Not because of the bull, but because of my situation. Dislocated. Only. Frozen by the cold. It wasn’t a person. This, in Madrid, with 20,000 spectators in the stands, with harsh agriculture. Defending myself against the bull, killing the bullfight was a superhuman effort. I just asked God to be able to go home to my wife and daughter and forget everything. Of everything. Then the doctors explained it to me. I’m 1.80 tall and I don’t weigh 50 kilos. I had very little heartbeat. My heart could have stopped at any moment. It was a miracle that he came out alive. It’s a miracle he’s still alive.

How had he gotten to this state?

I started bullfighting very young and stopped in 2013. For personal reasons and out of desire, wanting to return to my dream, I returned to bullfighting in 2020 and twice in 2022, with the idea of ​​giving myself this new and last opportunity. I had my life, my family, I was a teacher at the bullfighting school, but there was in me the embers of a bonfire that never went out. I prepared to die. I started training with iron discipline, as if I was preparing for the Olympics, but, instead of being 20, at 45, with the blind faith that this effort would be rewarded. And then, I do good work in Chinchón (Madrid).

And you like it.

And I appreciate it, and I savor it, and it makes me happy. And events are starting to prove me right. And I give 100%. Hours and hours of training. No fat, no pastries, no alcohol, nothing at all. Eat just enough to keep you going. And thus, I manage to achieve the most important performances of my career. I have like two voices inside me. One, the one who takes care of me, the one who tells me that I have to eat well, train with quality, dose myself. And another, the one who tells me that to get what I want, I have to do what no one is doing. And this voice wins over the other, increases my demands, my pressure, and takes hold of me until it dominates me. Until this afternoon came and I didn’t even hear that voice anymore. I didn’t even have the strength to get up.

How does your treatment start?

When I leave the place, I absolutely give myself to my loved ones and the doctors. I was surprised that they were not surprised to receive a man like me, a bullfighter, aged 45. I was told he arrived in critical condition. I opened up completely with them. The first few weeks, I was like on cloud nine. He wasn’t even aware of what had happened, but especially of what was going to happen. I needed to calm down. I had subjected my body and mind to such brutal demands that I needed rest. But when that happens, the really complicated part begins. Ask yourself how I get out of here, how I give meaning to my life, what impact what happened to me and mine has had on me. These are unanswered questions: You are filled with anxiety and negative thoughts. What’s really difficult, at least in my case, is that you enter a depressive state in which you see no reason to continue. It scared me to see people really destroyed in the hospital. That scared me more than any bull and I think it made me react.

How are you now?

More stable. Physically, I’m no longer in the risk zone, but I’m not 100% either. They don’t let me see my weight when I go to the doctor, but I must weigh around 60 kilos. The weight issue is almost the least important thing. Emotionally, I am stronger, because there were very critical moments. I don’t want to fall into victimhood, but if you don’t find reasons to continue, things get bad. I’m on my way.

He has a wife, a little daughter, his mother, his brothers. How can family and friends help someone in their situation?

This is a very complicated question. It is very difficult to be able to help much. There’s no need to say “eat”. Hopefully. I understand that younger people, children, teenagers, can lie, say they haven’t eaten and not do it, because I know very well what it’s like for them to do it accidentally. I don’t know. I’m 46, it’s not the same. Even though my mind is not correct, it is a mature mind. So, I’m not asking you so much to help me, but rather not to mortify me. The main thing is that time passes, like a light rain, and in this there is no time. I need an environment that doesn’t mark me, that gives me tranquility. I ask for understanding, affection, patience and I ask to be able to find a reason for excitement in your life. I’m still there.

What would it mean to you to be healed?

My idea is to fight again. So, I find my well-being in living like a bullfighter, with the permanent illusion of preparing myself for combat. I continue to live as a bullfighter. I live for the bull.

What is living for the bull?

Train your body, but especially your mind, for the bull. Study the bull yourself to evolve into a bullfighter. Prepare for the feelings you have inside to emerge. Spend 24 hours thinking about studying your craft.

But you’re a teacher in a bullfighting school, you’re supposed to know everything.

Everything is never known. I stood in front of my first bull when I was 6 years old. My parents had a bar like this where we are. Lots of photos of bullfighters, I’ve been practicing this hobby since I was little. Forty years after facing my first calf, my passion, the flame of my life, remains bullfighting. I went through different stages, but always around the bull. I have made my family, I have a wife and a daughter that I adore, I am in the process of overcoming a very serious illness caused by my obsession with bullfighting. Bullfighting got me there and, God willing, it will get me out.

In other words, bullfighting is his heaven and his hell.

This illness never fails to reaffirm to me that, until the day I cease to exist, my mind will be focused on the bull. I tried, I begged, to focus on another place, on another path that would bring me this personal well-being. I couldn’t.

Some people talk about their eating disorder like a drug. Like an addiction without substance.

The thing is, I hated it, but I loved that demanding voice. The problem with this illness is that it is in this requirement that we feel good, that we feel happy, because we are in control and that creates incredible well-being. Being incredibly weak, I felt like Don Quixote, a superior being in front of the bull, receiving it gayola holder. This goodness gives you a brutal hook because, in addition, he received good reviews as a bullfighter. The problem with this disease is that you can get rid of alcohol by not drinking. But you have to eat three times a day. You have to face food three times a day.

How did your fellow bullfighters react when they learned of your illness?

Very affectionate, very understanding. They didn’t know anything. They looked at me badly, but I didn’t even put a name to what was happening to me. There were people who didn’t dare call me and then apologized to me. I felt total support, a lot of encouragement and also a certain admiration for this fight. I am taking this interview as part of my recovery, because my big challenge is to come back. I have nothing to prove to myself. I gave my 100%, even if I couldn’t reap the rewards. But I need this time to rest. I don’t know if I will win the match, but I am convinced that if I fight bullfighting again, God willing, I will be able to express different things in front of the bull, because, when a person suffers so much for so long, it leaves its mark.

What did you feel when you saw Morante de Pueblawho talked about her mental illness, suddenly cut her ponytail?

I’m very excited. Plot. It was an afternoon of absolute dedication, and when she took off her ponytail in retirement, it surprised everyone. For me, honestly, no. For many reasons. I saw a person completely torn inside and I couldn’t take it anymore. Morante fights on the edge, with a dedication that transcends logic and this dedication cannot last over time. He showed us that even though he is not in good health, he is capable of bullfighting better than anyone else. Suffering when it is deep makes bullfighting feel in a different way. I hope that in this period without bullfighting you will find the tranquility and well-being necessary to move forward.

How much courage does it take to face anorexia?

It’s much more complicated than any task. Anorexia is the hardest bull in my life. My 24 hours are for the bull. My body, my mind, are at the service of my profession, I live for it, I am passionate. But when something like this happens to you, you don’t know how to deal with it. Doctors help you, but only to a certain extent, and there are times when you feel like they aren’t helping you at all. You are alone. There’s a lot of loneliness, even though you have a lot of people around you. Me, in front of the bull, even if sometimes I have difficulty, I feel capable. But it’s something else and sometimes I feel like I won’t be able to fight this bull. The loneliness linked to illness is much harder than being alone in front of the bull.

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