Children perceive before anyone else when something is changing in the house, they have this sixth sense and sensitivity to detect problems, even if they do not express it or take it for granted (probably like defense mechanism, because they lack tools). Faced with the widespread doubt about whether we should involve our children in any type of problem, economic, emotional, etc. in the family, the general health psychologist Sara Flórez Montero considers, in general, that “it is advisable speak to them clearly, calmly and honestly, while adapting the language and message to their age.
“After more than two decades of supporting families, I can say that the youngest They detect small variations of all kinds, no matter how much we wish to hide them. or hide it. They feel changes in the tone of voice, in emotional energy, in changing routines… Even if adults try to protect them with silence, they feel the tensions in the same way. The difference is that, without a suitable explanation, they do not have the tools to interpret it. » And this is where the adults must enter the scene.
“Silence among children does not protect them, it disorients them”
The family therapist, with more than 25 years of professional experience working with families, refers to scientific evidence, saying that “research confirms what we see in consultation. Studies on stress in children show that juveniles react physiologically to distress not expressed in their caregivers (Gunnar & Quevedo, 2019; Juster et al., 2010)”.
UNICEF Spain, on the other hand, indicates that more than 60% of children perceive family tensions even if no one talks to them about it, and almost half overestimate the severity if they do not receive clear information. Spanish research on child well-being (Trianes et al., 2009, University of Málaga) shows that the lack of an explanatory framework increases symptoms of anxiety, diffuse fear or guilt. “In other words: silence does not protect; it disorients.”
In this context, Montero assures that “what protects minors is not the absence of problems, but rather having caregivers who are predictable, accessible and emotionally available. a “secure base” alleviates uncertainty and facilitates emotional regulation, provide a safe environment even when the family is experiencing difficulties.
“The problem is not in the sharing of information, but in the way it is shared”
From the systemic approach, the expert understands the family “as an interdependent organism: what affects one affects everyone. Properly informing children has protective effects: reduces uncertainty, strengthens cohesion and allows the child to understand that there are difficulties, but also adults capable of managing them. The problem is not sharing, but how it is shared. »
On the other hand, “practice in family therapy shows that when communication becomes too detailed, loaded with anxiety, or transmits an implicit message according to which the child must “be strong” or “help”, phenomena of emotional parentification appear (reversal of roles in the family where the child assumes emotional or instrumental responsibilities typical of an adult). generate guilt, hypervigilance and emotional overload. Informing does not mean delegating responsibilities; It means accompanying,” explains the psychologist.
How to talk to your children when there are family problems?
The scientific evidence in this sense, and according to the references provided by the therapist interviewed, indicates that “it is advisable to speak clearly, calmly and honestly, adapt the message to the age of the child. Phrases like “We’re going through a tough time, but we continue to care for you, we’re on your side, and we have a plan to get through this” convey protection without alarm.
Thus, “maintaining consistency between parents, leaving room for questions and offering symbolic participation (such as collaborating on routines or taking care of their affairs) reinforces the feeling of belonging to the family system”. without transferring adult responsibilities which do not correspond to them”, adds the expert.
Scientific research and clinical practice agree: informing children in a responsive, emotionally regulated way is more protective than keeping them away. “Children do not need to know every number or detail, but they do need an understandable and safe framework that allows them to interpret what they already perceive. The goal is not to hold them responsiblebut to prevent their hypotheses, much more threatening than reality, from becoming their only truth. »
In conclusion, Sara Flórez offers “a clear, calm and human conversation, which will transform the child’s experience of difficulties. Children don’t need to know everything; they need to know they are not alone. Parents don’t need perfection; They need presence. “When families look at each other, listen to each other and support each other, even difficult times become opportunities to strengthen bonds and build shared resilience.”
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