Saying “no” to your boss seems impossible.
Regardless of the position, we all prefer to make a good impression rather than disappoint.
But ambition can be a slippery slope: Before you know it, work has crept into the house, taken up weekends, and taken up time with family and friends.
Experts say learning to set limits is the best way to contain this invasion.
A simple change in language helps reinforce boundaries, says Helen Tupper, career coach and co-founder of Squiggly Careers.
She recommends replacing “I can’t” with “I don’t want to.”
Saying ‘I can’t’ opens the door to negotiation; people may try to convince you that in fact you can,” says Tupper.
But “I don’t want to” is more definitive and harder to dispute.
For example, you might say, “I don’t attend meetings after 5 p.m. on Wednesdays because I pick up my kids at that time,” Tupper suggests.
Model and TV chef Lorraine Pascale says not doing so ultimately led to her burnout.
Alongside her television career, she opened a bakery in Covent Garden (London) and published a series of cookbooks, while raising her daughter.
“I just wasn’t very good at saying no.”
“You don’t want to displease anyone, everyone is telling you what you should do. So keep going,” he told the program. A woman’s guide to life (A Woman’s Hour – Guide to Lifein free translation).
She adds that her perfectionism, including personally approving every recipe in her books, didn’t help.
For Pascale, exhaustion (burnout) manifested themselves physically and mentally, notably by not wanting to go near the cakes.
“It was like a whole body reaction; a feeling of tightness in the chest,” he explains. “I had an argument with myself. I was very self-critical, I felt a lot of guilt and a lot of fatigue.”
Pascale’s experience shows that burnout It can affect anyone, at any level, although statistics indicate a higher risk in women – partly due to additional caring responsibilities.
Claire Ashley, author of The burnout doctor (The burnout doctorin free translation), written after experiencing the problem herself, argues that, in practice, maintaining a strict routine regarding finishing work allows the brain to complete the “stress cycle” and enjoy free time.
But the real solution is to adjust your goals to your “current capabilities.”
“Ask yourself if what you want to achieve is reasonable given your current mental and emotional resources,” says Ashley.
In Pascale’s case, that meant stepping away from cooking and starting therapy. This experience helped her understand that the toxic elements of her need to impress came from her childhood in foster care.
Pascale has since started studying psychology and says she is “much better”, gradually returning to the kitchen in a more “intentional” way.
Of course, stress and long hours are part of any job.
But statistics show an increase in the number of workers reaching the limit.
Research suggests that 9 in 10 workers have experienced high or extreme levels of pressure or stress in the past year.
In 2023, 421 people were removed from work due to burnout in Brazil, the highest number in the last ten years, according to data from the National Institute of Social Security (INSS), of the Ministry of Social Security. The increase occurred mainly during the pandemic. Out of 178 absences per burnoutin 2019, Brazil grew to 421, in 2023, a growth of 136%.
Feeling stressed or exhausted is not the same as suffering from depression syndrome. burnout or burnout syndrome, although the term is often used loosely.
Ashley explains that exhaustion, detachment and decreased performance are the three defining symptoms.
If we do not present them all, there is still no diagnosis of burnout. But of course, that doesn’t mean we’re not on the right track.
“Run your own race”
Tupper from Squiggly Careers reminds us that it’s important to stop, celebrate and recognize your own successes, and not just focus on the next task.
Making an effort to avoid comparisons with your peers also helps you “run your own race,” Tupper adds.
Of course, not everyone is capable of asserting themselves at work, particularly in corporate or hierarchical environments.
NHS psychiatrist and author of Work without burnout (Work without exhaustionin free translation), Richard Duggins, often sees patients who feel like they cannot set limits.
He encourages them to talk to their boss about it, regardless of the hierarchical level.
“Most employers, even the strictest, listen and adapt when they understand that preventing burnout benefits everyone,” he says.
According to Duggins, setting boundaries, asking for help, or adjusting workload or flexibility can help; But ultimately, if the work environment doesn’t change, we need to make changes to protect ourselves.
Valuing the different stages of life can also help, notes Ashley.
“It is acceptable to recognize that someone who works part-time or has caring responsibilities may not be able to keep up with the workload of a younger colleague. »
As Pascale sums it up: “Being ambitious is good. Being ambitious is a beautiful thing, but learn not to say it more often.”