“There are ways to sublimate the desire that could not be realized,” says an expert

Fátima always knew that motherhood was not for her. He married, had nephews, traveled, grew in his job and today, at 50, he has no regrets. Although he admits that he no longer wants to receive (very direct) information from his mother not having “given him grandchildren.”.

And this is not an isolated case, quite the opposite: situations like this are becoming more and more common. According to a study by the Observatory of Human Development and Vulnerability at the Institute of Family Sciences at Austral University (UA), the birth rate in Argentina has declined significantly since 2014. This implies a decline of more than 40% in less than a decade.

So how does this decision by adult children affect their parents who dream of having grandchildren? Graciela Zarebski, doctor of psychology and head of the master’s program in psychogerontology at the Universidad Atlántida Argentina and the Ibero-American Institute of Aging Sciences (InICiEn), points out that it can be considered as grief: “When you talk about grief, it is not only the loss of a loved one. As Freud said, it also refers to the loss of an ideal, of.” something that cannot be“.

—Is therapeutic support recommended?

– There are so-called “slave grandparents”, these are people who live to care for them. Either because they chose it or because the family established them in this place. These cases, particularly “female caregivers” who have been trained to do so and have no grandchildren to care for (nor the prospect of caring for other people), are what I call “a risk factor.” It supports life with a single stick. And they may need therapy. Good longevity implied renew the meaning of life Over time, these people can no longer do anything because they cling to this “stewardship” role. These are breakdowns of identity because they cannot find meaning in life.

—How to avoid a crisis between older adults who want grandchildren and their children who do not want to be parents?

– The perspective that there are no crises in the family always has to do with respecting the autonomy of each individual member. Then parents can express their desire to be grandparents and ask for the perspective, but always with respect for the autonomy of what their children want to do. Perhaps they prefer to realize themselves in other areas, or perhaps their decision is related to the economic circumstances of a country, which they later overcome and decide to become parents.

Zarebski then recommends that the older person in this situation diversify their contacts and interests. “It is what I developed as one of the most important protective factors for healthy longevity,” he specifies.

And he adds: “The Diversification of links and interests It reflects a flexible identity that is continually reinvented over the years. Therefore, it is not just a matter of a desired family bond (e.g. grandchildren), but if this is not achieved, other developments in the bonds are sought and participation in activities is carried out.”

Another typical protective factor of a flexible identity, according to the expert, are the intergenerational ties in the community. “It’s what we call ‘social grandparenting.’ Practice grandparenting not with biological grandchildren, but with young people or children through community work, volunteer work. “They are opportunities to sublimate that desire that could not be realized.”

The professional also emphasizes the so-called “intergenerational legacy”, in which the older adult is positioned as a transmitter of what his ancestors left him and what he wants to leave to the generations that follow him. If this is shortened, there is the possibility of doing this with non-biological young people.

“There are carried out multiple bequests in the community. For this reason, they are organized from community facilities (day centers or long-term residences) to intergenerational activities. Older people tell stories in kindergartens or take on the role of transmitters of the history of the district, the country, or the city. “That means there’s a lot of that legacy to pass on that you want to pass on to your own grandchildren if you can’t,” Zarebski says.

On the other hand, he mentions the current trend towards this Animal husbandry of those who choose not to have children. And he makes it clear that the bond between older people and pets is very good because it allows them to express their desire for education and to feel accompanied and recognized in the love returned to them.

“So there are different ways to express that love. Whether in a pet or in intergenerational bonds“, says the doctor, although she clarifies that the desire to have grandchildren is often based not only on the need to give love, but also on feeling protected by a family with a sufficient support network.

What happens if there is a desire to expand the family but this does not happen? That is, when older adults aren’t grandparents because their children are struggling with medical issues or fertility treatments that aren’t working. In this case, the counselor emphasizes that it is the children who are most frustrated The main thing is to support thembe empathetic. “This is where the topic of narcissism comes into play. Not always putting your own desire in the right light as the most important thing. Support is important. Understanding the pain of the other person.”

Finally, he says that grandparenthood is an issue that occurs in all groups. Out of how it is exercised, the desire to be one and not being able to. And that helps the grieving process. “They are sorry that they cannot fulfill their desire, but generally they do not remain calm in the pain. They realize that life is fulfilled in different ways.”

➪Do you have any questions about health and wellness that you would like us to answer in the Notes section? Write to us with your request goodlife@clarin.com