“Parents who suffer” (Desclée de Brouwer) is a journey into the deep scars left by childhood abuse and its impact on mental health in adulthood. With this work, therapist Beatriz Ortega wanted “a digestible psychology, which is committed since … emotion and allows us to show empathy. It is told through real-life stories that everyone can relate to and give a name to an experience they may never have recognized.”
At the end of each chapter there are a few pages of intervention aimed at professionals but the book, says this trauma expert, “is designed for everyone, because we have all, in one way or another, suffered an injury in the family environment”.
It often happens that society, warn you in these pages, recognizes physical abuse, sexual abuse… but not psychological abuse.
Yes, psychological violence is the most silent and also the most denied. By psychological abuse, we mean humiliation, comparisons, emotional indifference, overprotection, contempt, physical or personality mockery… Even this cold silence which leaves the child alone in the face of his anguish. In fact, in many homes there is no physical assault or visible injuries, but there is deep emotional damage. This is what the book is about: these imprints and these silent wounds.
Why do you think the existence of childhood trauma remains unrecognized when there is no explicit violence?
We think it’s something that gets talked about a lot, but it’s not. We have completely normalized teasing, humiliation, comparisons between brothers and sisters, cousins…. I think that’s why there is so much harassment: because even at home, it’s already normalized. And yet, the pain remains. In therapy we see this all the time. There is still a lot to do emotional health (not just mental health): because it is underestimated. Fortunately, new generations are much more connected to their emotional world and that’s good news.
“We all have wounds and we pass them on in one way or another”
In the book, you explain that early experiences can later result in symptoms of anxiety, depression or relationship difficulties. How to move from psychological to physical?
We make this separation between psychological and physical a lot in the West. In reality, the body stores all traumatic memories, even those that could not be processed because the hippocampus did not react at the time. The body reveals trauma through physical symptoms, but also in the way we regulate ourselves emotionally. If I grew up in a chaotic environment, for example, I may develop a huge need for control. And this need is expressed in behaviors: addictions, compulsive eating, etc. These are emotional regulators. The basis is emotional, but it manifests itself on a physical and behavioral level.
Do we all have trauma? Is there a parent who doesn’t “hurt”?
I always tell parents in therapy, “Don’t worry, you’re probably doing things wrong. It’s impossible to make it perfect. We all have wounds and we pass them on in one way or another. Now there are diplomas. Not everyone suffers from major trauma. There are “small wounds” that only hurt if you touch them, but which do not mark life. A real wound is the one that directs your life, the one that has shaped your personality.
What would be the most common “symptoms” among adults with childhood injuries?
We call a “symptom” any harmful behavior whose function is positive: to survive emotionally. For example: If a child has had to care for sick, alcoholic, or immature parents – a role reversal – this coping mechanism can lead to codependency as an adult, meaning the person needs someone to care for in order to feel their sense of self. OCD is another example: in very rigid homes, with high demands or a lot of comparison, the child develops compulsions to feel in control, to order by color, to place objects… And this strengthens until it reaches the adult compulsion. Generalized anxiety, emotional dependence… Many symptoms find their origin in these early injuries. Not always, but yes in many cases.
“No parent wants to admit that they are suffering”
And how do parenting and attachment styles influence the construction of the child’s internal world?
Plot. Attachment is like a emotional x-ray of childhood. This is not a diagnosis, but it is a very powerful clue.
If a parent reads your book and recognizes that they are not doing something right, what should they do?
A narcissist will never admit that they are hurting, but for someone to become aware of it is a huge step because from there the step towards changing their behavior is easier. For parents who are aware but feel overwhelmed by guilt or stuck, therapy can help them acquire tools and work internally.
About The Author
