Between incessant notifications, endless feeds, and our heads trying to multitask, we lose the ability to listen attentively. This difficulty in listening to others may be at the root of many of the problems we face today: superficial relationships, increased divorce, armed conflict, polarization, and loneliness. How can we save the art of listening in the midst of so much dispersion?
Why don’t we really listen?
In addition to encouraging quicker, more superficial interactions, cell phones have made it easier to postpone conversations until a time of greater disposition and interest – something not possible with eye contact. In the digital environment, it is also common to see dialogues turn into duels between those who shout the loudest to defend their point of view.
“One of the things that worries me the most is that people don’t look each other in the eye anymore,” said physicist, writer and astronomer Marcelo Gleiser in an interview with The Summer Hunter. “When you interact through a screen, you simply see a flat projection of another person.”
He explains that we have evolved over 300,000 years to be able to interact holistically. In other words, communication does not happen only through voice or words: the body has a language. Not interacting live and not having a direct exchange of emotions is, according to him, a very dangerous loss for our humanity.
At the same time, the hectic pace of modern life and the excess of digital stimuli have diverted our attention. And the very fact that we live in an increasingly noisy world interferes with listening. Amid so much sound stimuli, we seek refuge in noise-cancelling headphones, creating individual bubbles in which no one really wants to notice who is around them.
Escape the uncomfortable silence
Sometimes the fear of having to deal with a few seconds of silence leads us to mentally formulate a response while the other person is still speaking. But true listening is not limited to waiting for the right moment to give your opinion. It’s about being present, noticing the details, capturing the space between the lines.
Additionally, although uncomfortable, communication breakdowns are necessary in certain situations. Some conversations require time to think and process. In this sense, silence can be valuable, because it allows arguments to be evaluated more thoughtfully.
Difficulty listening can also come from an unconscious self-protection mechanism. Listening deeply to others can force us to confront our feelings, take responsibility, or reconsider comfortable certainties. When someone expresses pain, frustration, or criticism, true listening requires vulnerability. Thus, we avoid listening so as not to have to face the discomfort caused by the honesty of the other.
What we lost
When we listen attentively, we show the other person that we care, which generates exchanges that truly strengthen connections and create deep connections. Without attentive listening and genuine involvement, conversations become reduced to an exchange of information. Listening is also the first step to understanding others.
It is no coincidence that William Ury, co-founder of the Harvard Negotiation Program, considers this skill to be the most powerful tool for conflict resolution. “In mindful listening, we listen not only to what has been said, but also to what has not been said. We listen not just to the words, but to what is behind them. We listen to the underlying emotions, feelings, and needs,” he said in TEDx The Power of Listening.
A question of training
To practice active listening, the first step is obvious: listen carefully to what the other person says, without responding to that WhatsApp message at the same time or thinking about the food that is spoiling in the refrigerator. In addition to taking short breaks to think when necessary, it’s a good idea to show your interest by asking questions.
During a conversation, it is natural to remember similar situations that you or your loved ones have experienced. If shared briefly, these stories can be welcome, reinforce what has been said, and even inspire solutions.
However, a balance is necessary: overextending or resorting to this habit frequently can shift the attention away from the other person and onto you. The rule here is simple: listen more and talk less. Finally, avoid interrupting him. It is a simple but powerful gesture: giving the other person space to complete their thoughts allows them to express themselves clearly and safely, creating a more balanced and respectful dialogue.
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