Babies learn “no” before they learn “yes.” After a year, they express it by turning their head from side to side, giving clear signals beforehand about what they don’t want or don’t like. Between the ages of one and two, they also hear countless “nos” from their parents and caregivers who ensure their protection and safety.
René Spitz, a student of Sigmund Freud, spoke of three organizers of the child’s psyche in the first year of life, and the third of them was precisely the “no”.
These organizers, actually milestones of development, are successive and lead to the appearance of the next one, signaling the increasing integration of its little people.
around the two of them Months the first appears, the social smile, that Answer a smile on your face human frontal. The baby does not recognize it yet – it smiles even in front of a mask – it is a precursor to recognition and lasts until the sixth or eighth month of life. Then the second organizer shows up “Fear of the Eighth Month”already distinguishes the mother from other human faces, causing her to reject the approaches of strangers, cry in front of them, look away or cover his face.
This fear is evidence that the child has found “his” person, reference person and recognizes him, Who you have an emotional bond with that will leave a mark in future relationships throughout your life.
From that moment on the baby He discovers different aspects of himselfhe also begins to perceive the difference between himself and the world around him; Between what he is and what he is not, he gradually recognizes himself as an individual and independent person.
At about a year of age, at the same time as learning to walk, the third organizer appears, the “no” gesture. Spitz identifies it as an exclusively human achievement – unlike primates and other mammals – this leads to verbal language, which in turn replaces action with communication over time and maturation.
That “no” is not just a word, but further consolidates individualization: Now you may have a different opinion.
The child is already beginning to recognize himself as a person separate from his caregiver, with his own thoughts and ideas.; The ability to judge, abstract thinking and identification with the limits imposed by the carers begin. He moves from physical action to symbolic communication to express his rejection, in turn laying the foundation for more complex, language-based thoughts.
With the acquisition of the gesture of denial The action is replaced by messages and long-distance communication begins. of great importance for the development of both the individual and the human species.
The “no” from the adults, which the baby/child now understands, marks again the beginning of limits and prohibitionshelps you differentiate between “yes” and “no” in your environment and develop one the feeling of being an independent individual. First through imitation and later through identification with their caregivers, the child begins to internalize the norms and rules of the human community, to understand that not everything is allowed and also that they can say no themselves.
When he walks, he strives for autonomy and manages to stay out of his mother’s reach.. While communication in the first months of life was characterized by tenderness and affection, the word that mothers use most often today is “No, no. No!”, accompanied by a sideways movement of the head. There is a noticeable change in the tone of communication.
This prohibition interrupts an initiative, an action of the child caught in the conflict between the love for his caregiver and the anger caused by the frustration imposed by him/her. Between your own desire and the prohibition; between the dissatisfaction of resisting their significant other and thereby running the risk of losing them or their love, and the acceptance of their behavior patterns.
This “no” is then much more than just an organizer: It protects and at the same time enables many others, yes, it gives a direction and gives strength to that direction, just as the stones of a waterfall direct the water to flow through a certain, certainly narrow, place, with all the energy that those who are “not here” give it. Whether we like it or not, our children become strong “against” us.
If the “no” is missing, be it the child’s own or the necessary and protective one of his caregivers, the direction and power for development and individualization is lost.
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