Lately, my life has been feeling like Groundhog Day: work, gym, sleep, and starting over. Between the grueling work schedule, the dreary weather, and my desire to hibernate, my social life has taken a hit. I feel dissatisfied, anxious and isolated. But I have a lot of friends and active group chats, so I can’t be alone, right?
incorrect!
According to Don Martin, content creator and podcast host Head on fireYou made a very common mistake. Even people with very active social lives can feel lonely if they don’t get the quality time or intimacy they need.
Like me, Martin felt his needs were not being met. When searching for a topic for your new audiobook Where did everyone go? (Where did everyone go?)I discovered that unity is simply defined as the difference between the connection you want and the connection you have.
“You can feel lonely in a room full of people,” Martin says.
Realizing this during the pandemic, Martin looked for new ways to socialize, like playing Animal Crossing connected With friends, and putting aside some obligations in favor of more important ones.
“I conflated being too busy with feeling socially complacent,” he says. Instead, we must be proactive and flexible in our interactions.
Inspired by Martin’s relationship experiences, I tried six ways to change my interactions for two weeks.
I confuse being too busy with feeling socially fulfilled
Don Martin
— Author of the audio book “Where Has Everyone Gone?”
Send a voice note instead of a message…
I live alone and work from home. On a typical day, I usually have four or five active WhatsApp conversations on my computer. They satisfy my need to chat with colleagues. However, listless conversations and constant beeping of messages can be more distracting than a source of communication.
One morning, a friend texted me to ask how my day was going. We’ve never done this before, but I respond with a (short!) voice note. She responds in the same way, referring to her WhatsApp status: “No voice notes please.” He adds magnanimously: “But I will make an exception for you.”
It’s just a quick conversation to commiserate with each other about our overwhelming workloads, but hearing your voice is definitely a boost, more personal and immediate than a text message.
Or make a video call
In the pilot episode of girls, Marnie Michaels ranks communication methods from least intimate (Facebook) to most intimate (face-to-face). After the success of my voice note, I decided to go one step further and switch to the much-maligned video call. I’m sure the younger generations love FaceTime, but none of my friends use it. Usually the only video calls I do are with immediate family or professionals via Zoom.
But I’m changing my social routine, so I spontaneously decided to video call a friend. She answers confusedly, “Hello?”
I don’t blame her, I’m not sure we’ve ever spoken on the phone before. But we (she and her adorable dog) talked for about 20 minutes. When I hang up, I’m in a better mood, thanks to the face-to-face connection.
Martin believes that video calls are closer to personal communication than messages. “Look into someone’s eyes,” he joked. “That way you can start to pick up on those nonverbal cues…the conversation can be more satisfying and take less time.”
If you’re embarrassed to start a conversation, ask your friends to call you, Martin suggests: “When you’ve been scrolling for three hours and getting lost in that maze, maybe it’s time to text a friend and say, ‘Listen, call me now.’
Create a fixed and regular plan
When work feels stressful, socializing doesn’t often cross my mind. That’s when fixed plans become important. Every Wednesday morning, I video chat with another friend who works from home in another city. I also play a football match every two weeks and attend a match maybe At the bar once a month.
It’s easy and I rarely feel like canceling, even when I’m busier. I think of them as social scaffolding, social routines that support even the most antagonistic schedules.
It turns out that Martin has something similar. Three or four times a week, call a close friend while driving to work. These calls allow them to keep in touch because they only see each other twice a month.
Three or four times a week, Martin calls a close friend while driving to work. These calls allow them to keep in touch because they only see each other twice a month.
“That regular connection with someone makes dealing with whatever comes next a little easier… plus it doesn’t detract from the time we have together,” Martin says.
To further strengthen my social foundations, I suggested to another friend that we start doing a weekly Zoom video call in the new year. He responds enthusiastically: “Monday is good for me!”
Make time for entertainment
One of my favorite ways to spend time with friends is with a night filled with board games and drinks. Unfortunately, few people living in my city share this interest.
I was inspired by Martin’s example about Animal Crossing. Socializing digitally may be viewed as inferior to meeting face-to-face, but it is often the only option. Plus, it can be fun.
“The mistake we make with social media is distorting it as a whole,” Martin says. “The screen can be a satisfying way to connect with people.”
One afternoon, I’m feeling like I’m lacking energy, so I text a friend to suggest they try the version connected One of my favorite games, Codenames. It’s true that you have to learn how to play, but you also feel the same excitement as when playing in person, and it’s definitely more relaxing than my usual activity during breaks (making a cup of tea and staring into space).
Over the next week, I’ll be playing Codenames with three different people. Some of the tours are even very exciting. (The popular game Wavelength also has a digital version.)
Send a message saying “I remember you”…
One of my friends was juggling motherhood, a chest infection, and intense work. I try to let her know I’m thinking of her by sending her a text or photo every now and then, without waiting for a response.
“Consistency is great, but it shouldn’t be a requirement for anyone,” Martin agrees. “It’s too much to ask of anyone.”
One Saturday morning, as I was about to go to work, a photo of another friend at a mezcaleria in Oaxaca popped up on my phone, reminding me of our trip we took over a decade ago. I sent her a screenshot and she responded by asking if I was free to talk on the phone. Usually, a spontaneous call would feel like an intrusion and would make me flee the Internet. This time I called her immediately, and by video.
We talked for an hour, our longest conversation in over a year, during which time we both became homeowners. We show each other our homes virtually, and point out where the other will sleep when we visit. it’s great. In the end, I sit in front of the computer in a more optimistic and calm mood.
…or ask them to message you less
Martin discovered that while consistency is important, so is a sense of control, not feeling like a “passive participant in your own life,” as he puts it.
That’s why the constant stream of messages can sometimes feel more like a burden than an incentive. Maybe it’s better to think about what we consider “quality time” and look for it.
Sometimes the constant stream of messages can feel more like a burden than an encouragement.
My most active thread, with a guy I recently started dating, rings from morning to night. I don’t want to stop talking, and I’ve already gotten him into the habit of writing voice notes. But I suggest that instead of painstakingly writing down all the relevant stories from our past, we preserve them for when we meet again.
Fortunately, he was not discouraged by my suggestion of setting an “agenda.” At the pub the following week, we went through most of our list, which was a lot more enjoyable than the cursory treatment the texting tales would have received. We have already started another agenda for our next meeting.
After two weeks of experimenting, I was surprised by how much I enjoyed it and how willing my friends were to participate. Everyone is probably looking for new ways to stay connected in the midst of their busy lives.
Martin says there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to avoiding loneliness. “What worked for you last year, last week, may not work for you now.”
We also have more capacity to act than we think. Martin describes it as creating “a toolkit, not a map.” We could all benefit from being more proactive in our friendships, just as we’re encouraged to do in romantic relationships: for example, explaining how much connection we need and how we prefer to communicate, she says.
However, my friends can prepare for more video calls from now on.