Modern life promises freedom and independence, but no-strings-attached relationships sometimes come at a price, studies on post-coital disorder suggest. Casual sex in itself is not necessarily bad, but those who do it because of their personal needs or emotional limits can pay a price with their mental health.
Despite the promise of freedom and uncomplicated intimacy, flirting without commitment doesn’t always empower you. For some women, this can lead to unexpected feelings of fatigue.
DW spoke to several women from North America, Europe and parts of Asia about relationships that made them feel more confident in the short term. On the other hand, developing intimate relationships has become more difficult.
Dysphoria after intercourse
Heather, a 40-year-old American, says that these encounters made her feel “empty, sad, and temporarily empowered, but always wanting more.” When having casual sex, she regularly tried to shut down her emotions, which made her feel like she was “cutting off a part” of herself.
The description of the downside of hookup culture corresponds to an understudied condition, post-coital dysphoria. In this case, people experience negative feelings after sex, such as a tendency to cry, be sad, or be irritable.
In a 2020 study, women reported these symptoms after consensual sex or masturbation, and some said the feelings did not appear until after orgasm. They also described feeling exhausted or emotionally shaken in the following hours or days.
Men also report post-coital dysphoria, but historical stigma surrounding female sexual autonomy and personal expectations has led some research to find the condition in a higher percentage of women: as many as three in four who have casual encounters.
Complexity of sexual desire
“I don’t think I’m cut out for hookup culture,” says Ishta, a French-Indian woman in her 30s. “I want communication more than sex. I have often waited for a (sexual) partner to develop feelings for me, or for us to start dating.”
Sexual desire is a complex phenomenon. Some studies show that female sexual desire can be shaped by the need for emotional closeness and relational cues, which can make pulling away during sex difficult.
This is often due to the way women are raised, says Tara Soenyatichaiporn, a professor of sexual and relational communication at California State University in the US.
“Women have been socialized from an early age to be nurturing, warm and welcoming, qualities that conflict with being distant and unemotional. It is very difficult for women to act detached,” he says.
The importance of self-esteem
Symptoms of post-coital disorder can appear when the desire for closeness is not rewarded. Low self-esteem can also make them worse. Although it’s not foolproof, people with higher self-esteem who have casual sex are often able to avoid negative emotional effects.
“But a lot of people, both men and women, engage in this for external validation,” Soenyatichiporn points out.
This can lead to feelings of distress about long-term relationships, especially if a meaningful bond remains difficult to achieve.
“I was very romantic, and now I feel like I’m playing a role in front of the men I want to be with,” says Ishita. “I guess I don’t trust people as much as I used to.”
Heather says she felt her self-esteem eroded and a negative attitude toward potential sexual partners, “a belief that men were obsessed with sex-driven sex and were untrustworthy.” “As a result, I sometimes felt less valuable afterwards, like I had been taken advantage of,” Heather says.
Pay attention to emotions
Recent studies, conducted mostly on American couples, found that those who were more mindful, that is, who paid attention to sensations and emotions during sex, without judging them, said they were more satisfied with their sex lives.
But this awareness, according to Soenyatichaiporn, is what is missing in many informal encounters. Casual sex, by definition, often ignores the conscious connection that makes the experience emotionally balanced. In contrast, romantic relationships can be “emotionally numbing” for both women and men, she says.
Heather expressed a similar sentiment: “I fully explored polyamory and pushed myself to the limits, only to feel exhausted and unstable. My nervous system couldn’t handle it.”
Now, American women say they seek ongoing intimacy in sex, not temporary satisfaction. But this clarity only came after honest reflection, a process that can help women understand casual sexual experiences that sometimes contribute to emotional exhaustion or low self-esteem.
Practices against burnout
For those feeling emotionally drained, Suwinyattichaiporn suggests a series of practices to regain confidence, avoid burnout, and make clearer choices regarding their sexual experiences.
The first is to take time away from casual sex, and create a space to slow down and think about your needs and feelings, without outside pressure. “Being alone for a while while working on yourself,” she sums up.
Therapy or coaching can help understand attachment styles, which are the ways people relate to themselves and others, which are shaped by early experiences, family experiences, and feelings of security or insecurity developed in childhood. Such interventions can also help rebuild a sense of self-esteem affected by emotionally stressful sexual experiences.
Meditation can also increase self-esteem and emotional resilience. Suwinyattichaiporn explains that it can help rebuild confidence, and that mindfulness practices offer similar benefits, something studies have proven.
Keeping a journal and positive self-talk also helps. “Positive self-talk is very powerful and can change the way you see yourself and the world around you,” Soenyatichaiporn says.