“With social networks, we started to be strict, but they looked for a way to get around the censorship.” It is narrated by Begonia Lopez, a mother of two teenage children, aged 19 and 15 respectively. His case embodies the phrase: The Internet, social networks, and screens are reshaping relationships, even within families. 85.2% of adults confirm that parents feel overwhelmed by the problems they face with their children, with new technologies being one of the main problems, as stated in the FAD Juventud study. The impact of technology on Spanish families. Review existing evidence.
In order to cope, many families choose control, and as boundaries arrive, conflict ensues. “I have not had any kind of interference with my children. My wife and I supervise their cell phones and their use,” says Jose Luis Salinas, a father of two: one is 13 and only has WhatsApp, and the eldest is 15 and is allowed to use Instagram. Salinas believes that his children underestimate the repercussions of their actions on the networks. Lopez agrees: “The use and abuse of social networks has been a cause of disagreements, as well as allegations of a lack of oversight on our part.”
Clara Díaz, clinical psychologist, explains that the use of mobile phones or computers is “the cause of conflict par excellence” which is found in consultation with children and adolescents. He points out that children often view their parents as a “nuisance” or “worry-maker,” while parents view their children as neglectful or even “technology addicted.” The FAD study agrees that children’s screen use is a common source of conflict among nearly 40% of families.
Digital life is no longer an add-on, but rather a land where connections are developed and identity is built. “For adults, this is new territory; for adolescents, it is a natural habitat,” says Ricardo Fandinho, general coordinator of the Association for Emotional Health in Childhood and Adolescence in Galicia. “This is where a large part of the conflict arises: young people inhabit a world visited by adults, and when they do so they usually do so with mistrust or fear.”
Control or “emotion”
Social networks are a new form of socialization in adolescence. It’s a time of feelings and misunderstandings, and “online can be an escape from feeling freed from the rules at home,” Diaz says. “This lack of understanding is not a pathological symptom, but rather a way of expressing the distance between generations and the lack of spaces in which they can think together about what they feel,” Fandinho adds.
In the face of the fear of not being in control, the parent can choose the levers of control. Lopez acknowledges the dynamic she continues with her children: “We have these devices, but sometimes we don’t use them for fear of socially isolating them.” Quarrels over usage times and punishments without a mobile phone or computer are very common in everyday family life. Reactions range from two extremes: overprotection or confusion and excessive flexibility. “Some try to control every detail of their children’s digital lives, others feel completely lost and give up,” explains Fandenio. “In both parties, the most important thing is lost: the possibility of dialogue.”
“Conflict arises when a cell phone is not controlled for months or years,” Salinas defends. He uses apps like Family Link and Pingo, which allow him to know his children’s geographic location or phone usage. Here interests collide. 30% of young people say they feel too controlled by their families through smartphones, according to the FAD Juventud study.
Control and geolocation always depend on the situation, but “in normal circumstances, childhood needs accompaniment, not monitoring. If such applications are used, they must be communicated, justified, time-limited and complementary to the bond. Teenagers do not need technology-savvy parents, they need emotionally available adults,” Fandenio explains.
The problem does not arise from the existence of screens, but from the uses, contexts, and tools available to manage them. “That is why it is so important to speak calmly and not out of panic or confrontation,” points out Béatrice Martin, Director General of FAD Juventud. If a teenager wants to access the Internet, experts have reviewed the details, he will do so one way or another. “You have to be very careful about constant monitoring: it can lead to a deterioration of trust between adults and minors and hinder the development of the minor’s independence,” agrees Fandenio.
Network risks
Beyond routine conflict, social networks focus specific risks on minors, and many of them are aware of this. According to the FAD study, nearly 60% of teens admit that they sleep and study less because they spend “too much time” online. But the danger that parents and children fear is online violence, cybercrime or scams. But being born into a digital world already makes young people feel more competent in the subject than their parents or teachers, Martin says. “They know something could go wrong, but they think it won’t happen to me or it won’t be that serious,” he adds. The first step has been taken, they know there are risks, but the second step, which is action, is the step we must reinforce. The risk perception is there, allowing us to focus strategies on bridging the gap between knowing a risk exists and knowing how to manage it.”
Salinas brings another issue to the table: “Many parents are not aware of the use of social networks.” Lopez notes this at home: “It gives us the feeling that we have been left behind in the changes and don’t have the same ability to adapt to them.” Naturally, technology advances faster than parenting guidelines. Added to this is the vital inexperience of young people, as Martin explains: “Although they handle themselves with technical ease, this does not always translate into criteria to distinguish between risky situations. Many of them encounter unwanted sexual content, hate speech, insults, scams or impersonation attempts, and they do not always know how to react.”
Balance point
Technology does not destroy the family, although it forces it to reinvent itself. There is no clear user guide, but one point that experts agree on is literacy for parents and children. “It’s not just about knowing how to use the tool,” explains Martin, “but about understanding how the algorithms work, how to protect privacy, how to identify attempts at manipulation and how to manage the emotional impact of what is consumed. Above all, it is about encouraging and training critical thinking.”
Another key is accompaniment. “Talk about the type of content they share, and the risks of interacting with strangers or sending selfies, but without trying to control everything,” Diaz says. Martin adds that adults and young people need to be on the same side: “The best thing to do is to build a framework of sensible rules, adapted to each family and every son and daughter, accompanied by frequent and honest conversations. When the reason for limits is explained, they are seen as protection rather than punishment.” Lopez recognizes these ideas and tries to apply them to his family: “We focus our efforts on education, dialogue and trust rather than just controlling their movements online.”
To demonize new technologies is to deny the times in which we live. And it’s not all doom and gloom: the FAD Youth Study shows that 60% of households also recognize that technology improves access to learning and 52.9% assume that it improves their quality of life. “If we blame screens, we stop thinking about what is happening behind them. Networks did not invent loneliness or anxiety, they made them more visible. That is why we need less apocalyptic rhetoric and more collective thinking about how we want to live in this new space,” says Fandenio in this regard, calling on parents to “re-learn, listen, be present and think with their children.”
Experts agree that the basic solution is to transform the home into a space for monetary intermediation, while conducting dialogues and agreements on the uses of the networks. “The task is not to isolate young people from the world, but to teach them to be in it without getting lost,” Vandenio decides. “Technology will not stop,” says Martin, “and neither should our ability to understand and use it better.”
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