It’s that time of year when gifts are celebrated, announced and planned. Children understand that part of the season is dedicated to brightly colored packaging. But sometimes adults worry about the complexity of knowing who gets what (and who gives what) and what the hidden messages might be.
I’ve talked about this with colleagues who practice general pediatrics – like me – as well as behavioral and developmental pediatrics, and here are some tips that can help you choose Christmas gifts for the children in your life.
1. Research security risks and concerns related to technology
This is especially important for gifts that incorporate new technologies like artificial intelligence. Make sure you know what messages might reach your child. If you are not the child’s parent, check with your parent before giving them technology such as anything that incorporates AI, or a smartphone or tablet. There may be a reason the child doesn’t have one yet.
You should also be aware that some gifts may pose security risks. This includes anything with button batteries or magnets. Small objects can also pose a choking hazard – think tiny Legos for a baby. When in doubt, follow the manufacturer’s age recommendation.
2. Have realistic expectations, some gifts take time to be accepted
Don’t expect a gift, especially a somewhat unexpected one, to be the only thing a child immediately wants to play with (the exception, in very young children, is usually the box in which something big came, usually a guaranteed hit). Too often, it is the unexpected element, which remains dormant for some time in the child’s life, which ends up being recovered and studied later.
3. Discuss if the order is too expensive or inappropriate
This is probably the most difficult, and must be done on a case-by-case basis, depending on the type of donation and family situation. It’s okay to bluntly tell your child that a specific item is too expensive or costs more than your family would spend on that item (the designer purse for the elementary school student), but it’s also okay to consider bending the rules a little from time to time if the actual cost isn’t the issue, but rather the idea of spending it on that specific item. Speak and explain your reasoning.
So what should you say if your child says, “Other kids in my class have one”? Have this conversation well before the Christmas presents arrive and keep repeating your message: “This is what we do in our family.” Don’t ask what the child would do if other children in the class jumped off a bridge. This is a notoriously losing strategy. And be, at least occasionally, open to negotiation.
4. Don’t limit yourself to what the child already has and knows
You should tailor your gift to the child’s interests and preferences: we all like to feel seen and known by the people who love us. But it’s also okay to allow yourself to go a little further: a new fantasy series, a different DIY kit. A good gift is something that the child will like. A nice gift can be something a little unexpected that the child really appreciates.
So go ahead and give gifts that you loved when you were young: the books you loved, the games you played. Don’t assume that they will automatically be outdated and irrelevant. They may or may not work, but many children will be at least a little intrigued by the idea of a father – and even more so a grandfather – when they were children, and at the very least, fun stories can be told about these children from long ago, and you can always re-read the book yourself.
5. Don’t think too much
It should be fun for everyone involved. As with many aspects of parenting, it’s possible to overthink parenting policies and gift-giving strategies. You may be wondering if you should give in to a child’s campaign for a gift that is too expensive, “too old for you,” or otherwise inappropriate. But while these considerations may sometimes require some thought and discussion, the emphasis should above all be on celebration and at least a little indulgence. Otherwise, what’s the point?
The goal should be fun, enjoyment and enjoying a special occasion. This is why we ritualize gifts, wrap them, and generally make a big deal out of them.
The task of setting boundaries goes far beyond giving and receiving (or not receiving) gifts, and festive occasions shouldn’t carry all the weight. A child who is not overly spoiled or who does not have problematic entitlements will not be “spoiled” by a gift here or there.
Weave messages about gratitude, about understanding privilege, about giving back, throughout your holiday season and, of course, through the texture of family life. Better yet, model these lessons for your child. Don’t just let them be attached to boxed gifts.
Make it clear that it’s more than just the gifts. Whatever your holiday traditions, the more rituals the better — and if it’s an occasion where everyone gets gifts, it’s always nice to take turns spreading them out, unwrapping them, and admiring what everyone else received.
A child who truly appreciates gifts, even relatively luxurious and generous ones – and who shows this appreciation appropriately – is not “spoiled”; be more concerned about the child who demands gifts, whether luxurious or modest, or grabs them or expects them as a right. And you know the moral of etiquette: say thank you and say it from the heart, and there’s nothing like a handwritten thank you note.
Giving gifts to children doesn’t necessarily mean teaching them valuable lessons (although they will certainly learn at least a little about generosity, imagination, reciprocity, and gratitude). This does not require improving your moral character (good luck with that). It’s all about making special occasions truly special.
*Perri Klass is an American pediatrician and writer
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