Gifts to professionals for Christmas yes or no? It is a melon that many parents wait with fear for someone to open it in the school WhatsApp group, while others wait impatiently. The debate is served.
Yolande … Mendivilfamily therapist accredited by FEATF (Spanish Federation of Family Therapy Associations) and psychologist, explains that many parents decide to give gifts to teachers at this time because it is at this time that the “spirit of Christmas” awakens, which reconnects with feelings of love, peace and solidarity. “The routine of the entire year is changed and the rituals with which we reaffirm relationships are recovered. One of these rituals is to recognize the work of teachers, to whom we have delegated a good part of the education of our children. This is why many parents can feel the need to be grateful for the work that teachers and professors do not only educationally, but also emotionally.”
The question is: how is this decision made? And very often, this is done automatically, between adults and without taking into account that the person who is actually experiencing the relationship is the child.
Giving a gift can be a precious gesture, of course, but it takes on its full meaning when it arises from the real bond that the child forges with his teacher, and not just from a social dynamic between parents.
Where do families go who don’t want to spend money on gifts?
When we perceive that the implicit norm of the group, that what is “good”, is to give (understood as spending money), we lose sight of the objective. As parents, we should go further and ask ourselves: what is the intention of buying a gift? Why do we buy a gift, what is its meaning?
A family that decides not to buy is not worse off and should not experience the situation that way. The value lies not in the gift, but in how the child is helped to understand his or her relationship with the teacher. What you would like to thank and how you would like to express it. Belonging is not played out in a material detail, but in the coherence of education. Parents should respect their own values and parenting style, and if they decide not to participate in the gift, they can talk to the child and help them express gratitude in other ways. Not participating in a financial donation does not place the family in a position of inferiority, it simply puts it in line with its way of educating.
How can parents who don’t want to give gifts not feel pressured in WhatsApp groups?
When we parents are clear about our family identity, our model and way of acting and “how things are done in this family”, we can focus on “what the group does” and focus on “what my child needs to build a healthy relationship with his teacher”. From there, the limit is communicated more calmly: “This year we will decide with our son how to express his gratitude to his teacher, but we will not participate in the collective gift.” This is not a rejection of the group, it is an educational repositioning. When parents rely on this criterion (on the child’s relationship with his teacher), the pressure deflates.
Parents teach their children not to give in to peer pressure. Why is it so difficult to live up to this maxim as an adult?
Adults are very accustomed to making decisions on autopilot, without realizing it and without being conscious of it, thinking only of “not confronting each other” and belonging to the group, because we generally operate in a social dynamic.
Social pressure does not disappear with age, it simply changes form. It is more difficult for adults to say “no” because it can seem like an individual, almost rebellious gesture, rather than a stance. However, when we educate our children and think about their learning, we place more emphasis on their autonomy and maintaining their decision-making power. It is already an act of educational coherence, and from there it is much easier to maintain your own criteria.
How do you explain to a child that he is not going to give anything to his teacher so that he does not feel bad?
One of the responsibilities we have as parents is to accompany our children in their growth and evolution, and this begins by listening to them to find out what they feel, what their relationship is with the teacher, what they would like to express and how. This is the starting point.
The great challenge for parents is to transmit family values, which are the pillars on which the behavior and the way in which the child will relate to the outside world are based. Therefore, parents must be a guide and we must be consistent between what we do and what we say so that these values take on meaning.
There are many ways to express gratitude to the teacher, and it does not always have to be in the form of a purchased gift. You can tell the child, “In this family, we decide on gifts with the relationship you have with your teacher in mind. If you want to say something nice, write a letter or draw a drawing, we will support you. The child therefore does not experience the decision as a deprivation, but as a criterion. It is not an imposed “no”, but a way of educating in values and authentic connections.
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