“Knowing what you don’t want is half the battle”

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— We are victims of romanticism, we understand that to love is to suffer — said the author in a telephone interview. — You will love the one who made you suffer the most, which is a pathological idea. And those who love cannot leave. It’s terrible.

Written as an open letter, in which he addresses the reader directly, “Let It Go” is a Marie Kondo from the heart. Instead of organizing closets and throwing away objects, as the Japanese influencer teaches, the author dedicates himself to reviewing affections and emotional obligations that no longer have meaning, but continue to be maintained by guilt, fear or habit. Love is also knowing when to walk away.

— I do not support this social distortion which understands affection as a renunciation — he emphasizes. — As if you should deprive yourself of who you are or what you love to be with someone else. In these relationships you become eternally available.

Born in Caxias do Sul, in Serra Gaúcha, Carpinejar moved to Belo Horizonte in 2016, when he married Minas Gerais lawyer Beatriz Reys. For him, the capital of Minas Gerais is a refuge from a routine full of travel. With 53 published books and 20 literary prizes (including two Jabutis), the writer spends much of his time giving lectures across the country. Paradoxically, the more you travel, the more you reduce your luggage. Life, he says, is about saying goodbye to things.

— The more portable I am, the farther I can go — explains the author. — I don’t accumulate relationships, I reduce myself to the essentials. Those who don’t have time for anything are because they are busy with things that don’t deserve their time. Knowing what you don’t want is half the battle.

In Carpinejar’s philosophy of detachment, love should not be a sacrifice, much less an obligation. And this applies to romantic relationships as well as social and family relationships. There are unhealthy ties in both friendship and love. “Sharing the ceiling does not guarantee proximity, what ensures the link is sharing the destination,” he writes.

— I favor constructions of affection — said Carpinejar. — It is understood that you cannot move away from a member of your family even if it hurts you. It’s as if there was a genetic imposition. But that doesn’t take away the choice. The adopted child is capable of physically resembling his or her adoptive parents. It is the DNA of creation that is much stronger than genetics. It’s the DNA of our time together. This is the DNA of trust.

In this sense, participation in Christmas dinner should not be considered obligatory, believes Carpinejar. The author believes in a love that knows how to keep a “safe distance”:

— It is essential to remember that therapists take vacations (laughs). These are the worst times. So do not submit to torture or psychological or emotional blackmail. If you want to go there for Christmas, ok, come see us. But have a plan B. I’ve learned that, to remedy this heartbreak, many people have moved family celebrations forward to the beginning of December, out of date, to avoid the pressure. I’m going to celebrate with mine now on the 20th.

“Let Go” shows how relationships affect our own identity, imposing dreams and expectations. The author uses his own memories, going back to a painful but very educational childhood. At age 7, the school diagnosed Carpinejar with “mental retardation” and refused to teach him literacy. He had a lisp, wore orthopedic boots and was bullied for his appearance (his classmates called him Freddy Krueger, the monster from the TV show “A Nightmare on Elm Street”).

After sessions with a speech therapist, little Carpinejar gained confidence. He stopped comparing himself to other boys his age, only caring about his own improvement. He chose himself. He placed himself first.

From this experience, he learned valuable lessons: to stay away from relationships in which there is no reciprocity and not to confuse presence and love. “After a few years, you will find a way to return to your dream,” he writes. “Marriages end when there is no more room for the dream.”

— It is curious to see how the most generous people tend to behave towards the most miserly ones — he observes.

There is, however, one attachment that the writer does not renounce, despite the numerous sufferings it causes: the Sport Club Internacional. The interview took place just after the Rio Grande do Sul team’s victory over Bragantino, which ensured its continuation in Serie A on the final day of the Brasileirão. Carpinejar was hoarse on the other end of the line, after shouting so much the day before.

— Inter’s victory was this therapeutic miracle, wasn’t it? It was a lot of suffering, but suffering teaches.

Tips for “letting go” in 2026

“Love is not renunciation”: Relationships based on constant deprivation transform affection into obligation and create “eternal availability.” To love and be loved, no one needs to give up their own identity, their own tastes or their own life. Otherwise, you will secretly work for the other, no longer for your projects and your dreams.

“Knowing what you don’t want is half the battle”: Recognizing limits prevents the repetition of patterns of suffering. Those who don’t define what they refuse end up accepting anything, including abusive and unhealthy relationships. The one who resists just out of hope is in a relationship because of what wasn’t there. Admit your limits and learn to say no without guilt and without protecting yourself.

“May time forgive, not you”: To forgive grudgingly is to deny oneself and increase the tyranny of others. Don’t forgive someone you don’t think is right. Pretending that you haven’t been affected by disappointment won’t make you a better person. In many cases, forgiving means walking away and ending a cycle, not starting it again.

“You should never return to a place you made the effort to leave”: In back-and-forth situations, the couple is usually made up of a dominant type and a romantic type. You cannot overcome manipulation, because it is the dominating person who is never satisfied and creates guilt, and the romantic person who always offers more. When you come back to the wound, the only one bleeding is you

“You don’t need this damn inheritance”: Do not make accusations that do not belong to you and do not repeat dynamics that you did not choose. Family or emotional patterns explain who you were, but they do not determine who you should continue to be. Legacy is what you receive after death, legacy is what you build in life. Growing up also means interrupting cycles.