We haven’t spoken since Christmas 1984, when I asked for a bike and you brought me a set of sheets. I even understand the time pressure, the millions of orders, the delivery logistics, but let’s face it. No child behaves all year to get a pillowcase.
- Joaquim Ferreira dos Santos: No one will say anything bad about Rio here, but…
- José Eduardo Agualusa: Disorientation Manual
When the gift appeared under the tree, I thought: Santa Claus is handsome, he folded this bike very well. I tear up the paper, and I owe the end of my childhood to the shock of discovery.
— But it’s such a pretty floral. From Buddemeyer, my mother said, siding with the elf.
It was a moment of intense revolt. Against my mother’s taste for spring and her terrible team selection. Elf must make toys. Even though it is a cup and ball game, this rubbish frustrates adults and children alike, because the ball never fits into the pit. The elf who makes clothes – and worse, bedding – deserves to be deported to a factory in China.
I’ve had this gift stuck in my throat for 40 years. And don’t brag about the quality of the fabric or the fact that “the sheet underneath had elastic,” as my mother justified, always in collusion with the elf. Things are not looking good for you.
The purpose of this letter is to offer you the privilege of my forgiveness through the delivery of some gifts. Unique opportunity. So that you don’t die carrying guilt like the girl between torn papers, looking at a pillowcase and thinking: pillowcase.
- Cora Ronaï: Perfect Books Month
Well then. I want a manacá tree. Flowery and fragrant, transported from Rio to California. I want the weather to be okay on my balcony. Hot and humid, who you ask: how to do it? Do as you wish. If the Addams Family had a cloud over their house, my porch could benefit from a tropical microclimate.
I want the mental state that allows my husband to understand me telepathically, to end up admitting: O Martha, almighty, you are the owner of truth and reason. The world’s priorities are now turned upside down. While they invent a useless electronic trash can, this important communication tool has yet to be discovered. Solve it, Noel.
I want an ergonomic chair with casters. At the UN, where I will have more power than the United States, this fifth-rate country in democratic terms. Along the same lines (same gift, Noel, don’t bullshit me), I want leadership in Congress. I want to lead NATO and, ultimately, I want to lead the world. This responsibility can be shared with my friends in the craft group. Anyone would do a better job than that. As a bonus, we would fill public spaces with felt-wrapped soaps and origami swans.
Additionally, there was a problem with my composition, as a bunion arose on only one of my feet. Please eliminate, and since subtraction (bear with me, Noel) does not add, such a request does not register as a gift. This is only an example of my generosity, to give you the pleasure of pleasing me;
So I finish the letter. Please stay online. As an old Nordic white man, you know well that your species has been misbehaving for centuries. I’ll keep my eyes open.
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