Every Christmas worth its salt has its classics. The fights with your uncle, the first soup, the King’s speech and of course, the assortments of sweets with impossible combinations. Nougats, peas, marzipan, chocolates: nothing is missing in these platters that we look at with suspicion, even apathy, after hearty family dinners, and today it is precisely time to dissect in a classification those loved and feared in equal parts… desserts?
The procedure for each candy will be as follows: All contestants will appear from worst to best and each – after rambling about the candy and criticizing it massively or criticizing it to the sky with no middle ground like I usually do – I will give a rating from zero to five ranges. I have always wanted to value forks. El Comidista is not responsible for the author of this article’s dislike of this adorable holiday. They didn’t tell me to include this clarification but I think it’s fair, given what’s coming. Let’s see what you think.
7. Marzipan
What can happen with a candy made from almonds, eggs and sugar? with fun shapes and that can be eaten in just one bite? Well, absolutely everything. Almond pastes are the closest thing to eating a Plastidecor wax without eating it. These are the sweets that have always aroused the least sympathy in me: they are not tasty, they have an average taste, the texture is very unpleasant and if they are always the last ones left on the after-dinner trays, it will be for a reason. The origin of this candy seems to lie in ancient Greece. I would have liked them to stay in the tzaziki.
Note: 0.5 holder, for participation.
6. Roscón de Reyes
I take out an umbrella. This little bun that I eat just so I don’t make fun of my mother is so tedious that I don’t even know where to start. From the beanbag game and the price that a dental accident can mean in the worst case scenario, to the carnal terror that candied strawberries represent. Of French origin, it became popular in Spain around the 19th century. Since then, Christmas has never been the same. It’s true that if you fill it with cream, you gain a lot of points. But because it tastes like cream. Those filled with cream or chocolate are a crime, and those without even a filling should already be impaled. Very bad.
Note: 1 fork, for the cream.
5. Nougat
Mixed feelings about nougat. If you already didn’t understand how anyone would want to risk – once again – their teeth with these petrified white nougats, recently there has been a fashion for soft nougats with ridiculous and even insulting toppings for human intelligence. From the abominable Dubai chocolate with its inseparable and omnipresent pistachio, to TEX-MEX NACHOS. Yes, nachos. And yes, it’s by Dabiz Muñoz. Without fear of being blocked on the networks, I say to you: stop a little, please. Nougat has become one of the flags of the deepest part of the pond, and in this whirlwind of immodesty we will always have Suchard’s good sense. It never fails. I would eat it by the spoonful if necessary.
Note: 2 forks, by Suchard. Besides, Suchard doesn’t pay me.
4. Panetton
If there’s anything in the world that makes raisins taste good, it’s panettone. Legend has it that this Italian dessert was born from a mistake, but the legends have never convinced me. What we know is that it was born in the 15th century, that it is good and that it is an elegant, simple, discreet and light dessert that has everything that the 3 barbarities that we reviewed before do not have. I am happy to eat panettone, I like panettone, I am happy when there is panettone and I believe that no self-respecting Christmas should be without panettone. I recently discovered that to prepare it, you have to turn it for hours. Even his recipe is fun. So yes.
Note: 3.5 forks, which is always linked to Christmas.
3. Ferrero Rocher
Before I begin, I want to clarify that the law should prohibit the sale of Ferrero Rocher before December. I also want to clarify that this is not paid for either, and that this praise is only addressed to Ferrero Rocher and not to its cousins Rafaello and Rondnoir, which I consider a gastronomic disgrace. That being said, there is no better feeling than biting into a Ferrero Rocher little by little: first peeling off the crust, thus obtaining an almost perfect wafer ball that shows the hits you gave it with the paddles trying to be careful, then biting into it and discovering that cocoa filling with a hazelnut. It is a necessary protocol that brings you back to the depths of your being. Ferrero Rocher tells you that you are home, that you are safe, and that you are lucky.
Note: 4 forks, for careros.
2. Pestinos
Thank you Andalucía for this great contribution. Pestinos are touching treats that are not just limited to Christmas, they are actually typical of Easter. But since nothing is respected anymore, people eat French toast in July, some celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas starts in November, they will give me the license to put this pop perfection on the list of Christmas sweets. There’s something about candy that needs to be fried. It is not a question of comparing them to those of the oven, but we must recognize the charm which surrounds them. Pestiños should be rationed to avoid binge eating, but of course the demand is what it is. I admit it’s been about 10 years since I had a drink. But I have a good memory, I will trust the opinion of little Hélio, 13 years old.
Note: 4.5 forks, so as not to have them fresh.
1. Polvorones
I will put aside the modesty and serenity that characterize me to become completely crazy and authoritarian about the perception of powders. The powders have no defects. This September I was able to go to Villa Mantecados – Estepa, a town in Seville, which I propose to change its name – and I was able to reaffirm my passion for Polvorones. I would say a little sub-classification of the powders can be done.
1.5. wine donut
I’m not passionate about it but that’s okay.
1.4 Oil shortening
It’s very delicious but it leaves a curious texture in my hands.
1.3 Lemon shortbread
It sounds cheesy to me but it’s delicious.
1.2 MantecadoTM
Few sweet treats leave you speechless like a good shortbread.
1.1 Almond powder
Its icing sugar, its almond pieces, its flavor: simply perfect.
Subclassification done, all that remains is for me to specify the obligatory nature of its espachurre and the obligatory obligation to consume only one per session. Not for nothing, but to prevent them from being spent so soon. Otherwise, everything is fine.
Note: 30 forks. No exaggeration.
Well, here’s what the ranking looks like. The vehemence used in these lines only addresses a viscerality awakened by dates: normally I am usually this extreme, but with this one, I am even more so. I wanted to say goodbye with a little thought: Christmas can be a very complicated date for some people, either because of their family situation or their disparity in values with certain members of the table. Every year, some families have the misfortune of facing “the first year without,” but we need to remember why we come together. And we came together for no other reason than to agree to throw all the marzipan in the trash. Merry Christmas!
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