In a society that values constant availability, unwavering kindness, and the ability to adapt to anything, setting boundaries is often perceived as a form of conflict. Not because it is, but because it is unpleasant. Therefore, there are many people who adapt, give in and postpone their needs. It is not a lack of character or judgment, but a great difficulty maintaining boundaries without fear arising.
Setting boundaries is still possible socially frowned upon. It is often confused with selfishness, coldness, or a lack of empathy. From a young age, we learn that pleasing is a form of protection and that making people uncomfortable can have consequences. The problem is that such a life incurs silent but constant costs.
Over time, this continued resignation takes its toll. Feelings of guilt, frustration and anger arise and don’t always know where to go. The question is often repeated: Why do I always end up giving in even though I know I shouldn’t? Psychologist Ainhoa Vila puts into words this internal mechanism that explains why setting boundaries is not a matter of will, but of will emotional learning.
“What I’m about to tell you will hurt you a lot, but it also explains why you always give in in the end.” From there, in one of his TikTok videos (@ainhowins), Vila dismantles one of the most common ideas about people who don’t know how to say no. “First of all, I must emphasize that it is not difficult for you to set boundaries because you are a soft person, but that it is difficult for you because your brain has learned it Associate the boundary with rejection“.
In many cases, this learning comes from early experiences. “You learned to say ‘no.’ could literally cost you your love And your mind obviously chose this emotional survival to protect itself.” In this way, the brain prioritizes attachment, even at the expense of itself. Not because it is the healthiest, but because it was the safest at the time.
This pattern remains active in adulthood even though the context has changed. “It’s as if every limit sets off an internal alarm that says, ‘Be careful, you might lose someone if you set it.'” The reaction is not rational but automatic. The body reacts before the thought and fear force it to give in Turn off the alarm as quickly as possible.
Vila insists that the solution is not to force yourself to change based on demands. “There’s a lot that can be done.” through emotional regulationnot with violence and not with control.” Trying to set boundaries out of rigidity usually ends in abandonment because the inner discomfort becomes unbearable. The real work is learning to tolerate the discomfort without fleeing.
Setting boundaries is not a concrete act, but a process. “Because a boundary that is maintained from the start is not always broken.” Consistency is key, even if it hurts at first. “I warned you about that at the beginning You will feel a lot of guiltbecause you are not used to it in the first place and you will not do it because you are doing something wrong, but because you are essentially changing an old pattern.
In this context, guilt is not a sign of error, but of transformation. It indicates that something is moving in a deeply rooted internal structure. Learning to tolerate it is part of the process of relearning to deal with yourself from a fairer standpoint. “Setting boundaries doesn’t make you selfish, makes you livable“.
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