The holiday season has arrived, where people who don’t see each other very often put on their best clothes and gather in kitchens, living rooms and balconies for Christmas and New Year’s dinner.
These are meetings between families and friends with different routines, values, political opinions and life moments – a scenario ripe for conflicts of ideas, invasive comments or conversations that quickly spiral out of control.
“We expect this moment to be happy, while there are not always the conditions for this,” explains Belinda Mandelbaum, psychoanalyst and professor at the Institute of Psychology of USP (University of São Paulo).
She says different families have harmonious meetings at this time of year, but meetings between people with whom there is little interaction or old conflicts can create a tense environment.
In addition, at the end of the year, most people tend to take stock of themselves, explains family psychologist Manuela Moura, professor at Cefac Bahia (Bahia Family Studies Center), which can increase the emotional vulnerability of meeting participants.
According to Moura, people who feel they haven’t accomplished important goals during the year tend to feel more sensitive, which can make external comments more difficult to deal with, especially when they concern intimate aspects of life.
To help you cope with this context, the Leaf heard from experts who offer advice on how to approach acquaintances during the festivities and respond to unpleasantness so that dinners are as harmonious as possible.
Know how to read the tension in the room
For psychologist Antonio Carlos Amador Pereira, a psychotherapist specializing in behavior and human development, many comments considered inappropriate do not necessarily appear with the intention to offend. “Sometimes people talk because they need to say something,” he says. In other cases, according to him, there is a lack of sensitivity to realize that the comment exceeds a limit.
For Mandelbaum, finding members of his family with whom he had little contact can generate strangeness, even shock. “As a result, you have to find yourself in a moment of celebration and family intimacy with people you sometimes rarely see,” he says. This encounter, he says, requires an effort of emotional adaptation that is not always recognized, especially when it involves stories, distances and unelaborated conflicts.
In families, he affirms, conflicts are part of daily life, both in intimate coexistence and in meetings with the extended family.
Pereira also explains that comments about appearance or physical changes tend to cause discomfort because they act as a symbolic invasion. “Talking about someone’s body is like touching it. You don’t allow anyone to touch you, so you don’t allow any comments either,” he says.
According to the psychologist, this type of speech tends to be experienced as invasive regardless of the speaker’s intention, especially when it comes from someone with whom there is no intimacy. For him, this helps explain why comments about weight, aging or appearance often generate intense emotional reactions.
Psychologist Moura says that questions and comments on sensitive topics should be avoided when they are known to cause discomfort. “If you are familiar and know a topic is sensitive, why talk about it? he asks.
“If your cousin is embarrassed by her weight, why ask her if she is thinner? If your aunt is embarrassed by being single, why ask her if she has a boyfriend? If your cousin suffers from unemployment, why ask her if he has found a job?” asks the psychologist. According to the expert, the ideal is to wait for the person to speak first.
Mandelbaum emphasizes that words can be experienced as forms of violence, even in the absence of physical aggression. “Words can be welcoming, but they can also be hurtful or humiliating.”
The psychologist also affirms that respect for differences and the perception of the other’s limits are fundamental for conversations to take place without generating suffering. “If there is mutual respect as a starting point, everything can be discussed,” he says. “We have this sensitivity to understand if the other person is comfortable or not.”
Observing reactions, silences and mood changes, for example, can help identify the best time to change the subject or end a conversation.
According to her, sensitive subjects – such as politics, sexuality or personal choices – should not be avoided, but need to be listened to. “I may have a different position than you, but I can respect you, I can listen to you and you can listen to me.”
How to respond to invasive comments
When care fails, experts say there are ways to respond without escalating the conflict.
When faced with inappropriate comments, Pereira clarifies that direct confrontations are not always the best solution. “Arguing or attacking is usually not worth it, because it only makes the problem worse,” he says.
According to the psychologist, short, neutral answers tend to end the topic with less effort. “When we don’t value commentary, it loses its force,” he says. For him, short sentences or even choosing not to respond can be effective strategies.
Mandelbaum believes, however, that there are situations in which explaining discomfort can be important. “There are certain situations in which the person has to explain to the other: ‘listen, what you’re saying isn’t cool, I don’t like it’, because we can give feedback to the person.”
The choice between remaining silent or taking a position, according to her, must take into account the context and the listening ability of the interlocutor.
For Moura, setting boundaries in a clear and respectful manner is also an option. “If you don’t want to talk about something, don’t talk,” he says. According to her, setting boundaries does not mean creating conflicts, but protecting one’s own well-being.
Experts say recognizing boundaries and choosing how to manage them in an emotionally sensitive context can maintain harmony during the holiday season.
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